Mergers & Acquisitions

Dearest Reader,

As you know, there are a lot of tried-and-true metaphors about dating: the catch-and-release of fishing, the job interview, the tennis match--all true and valid in their own right. So now I offer up another one: mergers and acquisitions.

In the business world, mergers happen often and only the big marriages make the news: Time Warner + Comcast (fail), Caribou Coffee + Krispy Kreme donuts (yay!), ESPN + Disney (surprisingly decent). These marriages are done with a lot of forethought and work during the acquisition phase, including getting the regulatory permissions from the government, the baring of balance sheets, and the blessing of stockholders.

Over dinner this week, a friend of mine recently brought to my attention that these same phases apply to dating and ultimately marriage. So let's explore that a little more...

ACQUISITION PHASE: The dating between companies when they explore possibilities is quite the same as the dating between humans. Someone expresses interest, the other responds in kind, and we're off to the races. We try to show our best sides, smiling often, disagreeing rarely--if at all. In order to seem as appealing as possible, we posture like peacocks in order to draw attention to our beauty. As this phase wears on, the real homework begins. Who is this person underneath the pomp and circumstance? Are we really compatible? Are the inevitable flaws that each of us have endearing or are they dealbreakers? (Because, snoring. Let's be real.)

MERGER PHASE: So we've decided to pull the trigger and merge our lives together in matrimony. The snoring is adorable, the bath towel on the floor is tolerable, and thankfully most toothpaste tubes have flip tops instead of loose caps these days--Colgate has finally gotten it right and prevented many an argument in households across America. You go down to the courthouse and secure your regulatory permissions from the county in order to merge. Stockholders (parents, friends) have offered up their blessings (they don't know about the bath towel) and are hopeful for a payout in the form of subsidiaries (grandbabies, grandpups, grand-somethings). The blessed event goes off without a hitch and the honeymoon is bliss. It's coffee + donuts in a sugary swirl of happiness. With a little luck, the business deal is fully complete and we're all sports + Cinderella forever.

BUYOUT PHASE: But sometimes the sugar high wears off and you've been awake next to this person all night, wondering why you thought the snoring was adorable. Maybe the balance sheet excluded the $50K in credit card debt. The addition of subsidiaries has torn apart the parent company. The corporate cultures don't blend. Whatever the reason,  it just.isn't.working. So you talk and decide it's time to part...and now the buyout negotiation begins. Who gets the house, the dog, the credit card debt? How long will it take to re-establish your stake in the market?

Of course, I don't have my MBA and government school didn't cover this, so parts of this metaphor are likely very weak. My apologies to those who are versed in this! But there is some truth here, underneath my snarky language and jaded rhetoric. Still, I maintain optimism--I want to be ESPN and I'm looking for my Cinderella story.

With love,
Leah

Do You Believe in Magic?

Once upon a time, I went on a date. (I actually prefer to call these first meetings with Men From the Internet "meet-n-greets" because, to be honest, "date" is a heavy word in this application.)

Literally from the first moment, it was sparks and fireworks and chemical reactions. He was cute, funny, smart, sensitive, and even a tiny bit romantic--the kind of guy who seemed to wear a little bit of his heart on his sleeve.

We sat at a bar in St. Paul for hours, laughing and getting to know one another. We easily moved from topic to topic, from work and tattoos to politics and parenting. When he reached out and touched my hand from across the heavy oak table, electricity flowed between us. He shyly smiled and I let my guard down enough to allow my eyes sparkle back. When it was time to go, he slipped his arm around my waist and guided me out the door. I was floating.

He walked me to my car, which was parked on the now-quiet downtown street. It had rained all evening, and the pavement shone with the soft glow from the street light. We said our goodbyes, our eyes locked, each of us not ready to leave. He pulled me in for a kiss and suddenly it was like a Ryan Gosling movie. His hands were in my hair, my arms were wrapped tightly around his broad shoulders. When I finally opened my eyes, everything just seemed a little bit more magical.

Alas, there isn't a lot of actual magic in this world.

Fast forward a little bit...we had, you know, relations, and I instinctively knew something was off right away. He grew distant and when I asked him if he was okay, he said he was overwhelmed because I was so pretty. Instead of letting my inner alarm sound in caution (because really - who says that?!), I smiled and nestled down inside what seemed to be a compliment. The next day was even more quiet which was so unusual compared to how he had previously been--texting, sending silly photos, chatting about his day. By the following day, it was grossly apparent that things had gone pear-shaped. I finally brought it up since he wasn't forthcoming, and the bomb dropped--the list of reasons why things likely wouldn't work out (opposite sides of the Cities, kids, schedules). Read: I had a good time and take care.

The main takeaway from this painful experience could be this: don't believe in magic. Leave it to Harry Potter or Cinderella and keep your own feet firmly in this real world. Life doesn't take place on the set of a Ryan Gosling movie. The streets don't glow and sparks don't fly. To let your guard down is to go to battle without body armor.

But as much as I want to be this jaded - and believe me, I do! - I fight to quiet my inner skeptic. As much as this interaction seemed to rip into me so painfully at the time, in the long run it's nothing but a bee sting. So, okay, I made an error in judgment and got a little burned, but to let this incident color my view of dating or men or even the world is to let his carelessness infect me - and he doesn't get to have that power. I want to let the streets glow after a long rain and allow my eyes to sparkle. Because whether I choose cynicism or optimism, life is going to march on. And the days are happier with a little tiny bit of magic.

The Good Ones that Make Us Better

The day started out like any other: alarm, shower, coffee...let's go.  I was looking forward to a little field trip from the office to run out to a client's home to pick up some paperwork. The morning was sunny and the sky was a brilliant shade of blue. Windows down, music up - that kind of day.

Puttering along on the interstate, an apartment building caught my eye and a memory jolted my brain like a lightning bolt. Years ago, I dated a guy who lived there and I suddenly remembered him as if he was standing in front of me. He was tall, broad-shouldered, muscled, tattooed - totally my type. I remembered the night I met him and his pick up line and our first date. I remembered how he was a decorated Iraq war veteran, physically stateside now but still battling PTSD in his mind. I pictured the times he made me ahi tuna, shrimp boil, or waffles...and remembered how he made me laugh and think. We didn't work out and now, years later, he's married. He's one of the good guys and I hope they're very happy.

The experience on the freeway that morning has had me thinking about all the people I've met throughout this adventure called dating. Sometimes in this blog, I fear that I write too much about the bad ones and don't spend enough time on the good ones...because hey - let's take a moment to realize that there are a lot of good ones out there, even if the dating thing doesn't work out. Maybe it's the sociologist in me that sees these encounters as more than a date - it's a chance to get to know another person, to gather their thoughts and opinions and viewpoints, and to treasure those things as gifts.

So I put my mind to work to think about some of the good ones and the moments we shared: the Sundays spent on a motorcycle on back Wisconsin roads with a man who had the most gentle heart; watching war movies with the dog trainer whose German shepherds were as sweet as kittens; the afternoon runs along the Mississippi with a man who was part farmer, part urban cowboy.

I treasure those that I've remained friends with, even as the relationship attempt failed. I wish I could name them here because they are such wonderful guys and the world should know, but I will honor their right to anonymity...and instead just express my gratitude. Thank you to the guy with the Audi who showed me the downtown lights and the light inside of me; thank you to the kind-hearted one who always "has my back" (to steal his phrase); thank you to the man with the easy smile and shining eyes who made such a positive impression on my son.

These men, and others not mentioned here, are part of a great story that all too often looks more dreary than it actually is. These moments in time make me smile because these guys shared themselves with me; they let me see behind the curtain and peek at their humanity. I'm grateful to them for that honesty and humanity.

This is part of my life story and it impacts where I've been, who I am, and what I'll become. Thinking about this, I'm reminded to keep an open heart no matter how long this dating journey lasts. The bad guys will undoubtedly leave scars, but the good guys can heal those scars and replenish the lost hope, even without being The One.

So to all: thank you for the gifts.

Chasing Unicorns

A few days ago, someone told me that my search for a partner is like "chasing a unicorn" - the implication being that I'll never find it and I'll never be happy. It got me thinking...

I looked at my ideal: is he out there? Is my dream guy a mythical creature leaping through a rainbow-colored ether, never to be found by humans? It's been six years post-divorce, so I weighed the question carefully. Plenty of my friends have gotten married or even remarried in the time I've spent dating. But having been burned by divorce, I also think that doing my due diligence in dating is time well spent. There's a lot more at stake than when I was in my early 20s, not the least of which is because now I have my children and they deserve nothing short of the best. My oldest is 12 and his sister is 10; in these years, we've formed a pattern of functioning in this household. The three of us pile into my bed to watch movies, we talk politics at the dinner table, we have inside jokes. Adding a boyfriend is going to be complicated, and I need to make sure that I've chosen someone who is going to complement us.

The other thing is this: elsewhere in life, we're encouraged to develop a dream or a goal and then strive to attain it. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" is probably one of the most common questions in the world. We're prompted from a young age to decide what we want--that's a key word here. So I think we should be applying the same logic to finding a mate--what do I want, who do I want? Unfortunately, women are often told to be grateful for what we have. "He's good to you" or "He's got money...he'll take care of you" or "He's a provider." True - these are all wonderful traits, much to be desired, and a partner should definitely be those things. But he should also be a match in so many other ways: common dreams, a shared sense of life direction, similar parenting styles, a good conversationalist.....the list goes on.

Through these years of the trial-and-error game called dating, I've learned this: it's okay to decide on what you want and then pursue it. Chase that dream, just as you chased other dreams in life. It's no less important. 

So what am I really looking for? In a non-election year, I'd say George Clooney, but this year he's supporting Hillary and I already caucused for Bernie...so that's a no-go....(hahaha!)

Truly, though, it's a challenging but fair question. Honestly, I'd probably have an easier time ticking off what historically hasn't work, rather than shaping an ideal of what I'm looking for. The world is filled with "relationship extremists"--the crazies that are armed with lies meant to blow up your life. On one end, there's the Sociopath: the guy who says anything to get laid. He'll say he's divorced or that he loves kittens--whatever it is that you need to hear. He'll read you like a book but he'll lack empathy. On the other end, there's the Klingons: those guys that wear their hearts on their sleeves and invade your space bubble. They're the ones saying the "L" word by the third date. Be wary of each, for both are perilous to your autonomy.

My unicorn lies somewhere in the middle between these landmines that dot the landscape. I don't know what he looks like, or where he is, but I'm optimistic enough to believe in him. My person--the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, my emergency contact, my first phone call, my cuddle buddy and my in-house challenger-in-chief--is out there in the messiness called life. And that's why I date.

A Divided Nation is a Divided Bedroom

What happens when you combine romantic love and the divisive politics of 2016? Well, let's talk about that. Buckle yer seatbelts...this one's gonna take you for a bumpy ride!

A friend once told me that my politics are "just left of Castro." While not true in the least, it gave me a good laugh just the same! I'm a Democrat, folks. Let's just get that out right away.

I come by my brand of politics honestly: I was raised by a single mother who taught me to stand up to injustice and prejudice. She led by example: in 1968, she turned in her sorority pin and quit because her best friend (who was black) was not allowed to join the all-white group. As a young girl, I watched her campaign and door-knock for Paul Wellstone, Bill Clinton, and Al Gore because those candidates fought for the underdog. She taught me to value the common good and showed me that when people are united they can achieve so much more than they can alone.  To that end, the late Senator Paul Wellstone said it best: "When we all do better, we all do better."

If you know me in real life or on Facebook (same diff?!), you know in an instant that I am incredibly passionate about governance and politics. Over the years, I've gained friends and I've lost friends because of my political persuasions.  I still don't know quite how to feel about all that - there are some people whose friendship I truly miss and others whose absence is hardly felt. I maintain many online friendships with people who are truly 180 degrees politically different than I am and I generally enjoy our debates.

But what about when you've fallen in love with someone from The Other Side? This is where it gets tricky...

My last boyfriend is a dyed-in-the-wool Libertarian.  I'm not going to debate the merits of libertarianism but the important takeaway here is that, since there's no viable Libertarian Party candidate for most races, he typically ends up voting conservative.  In the past, he has campaigned hard for the uber-conservative Congressman John Kline (MN-R) and always voted Republican in the electoral events that happened while we were dating. His philosophy, like so many others that I talk to, is that of a social moderate/fiscal conservative.  My philosophy: there's no such thing because money talks. (That's another topic for another time...)

Let's go back to the idea of voting Republican while being a social moderate. In my relationship with this boyfriend, I was always floored by the notion that he could vote Republican while claiming to support women's rights--especially with regard to reproductive health. How can a person be pro-choice and yet vote for the very guys (and yes, they're mostly men) who repeatedly try to limit a woman's right to healthcare? This boyfriend has three daughters and yet campaigned for Congressman Kline who, among other things, supported legislation to defund Planned Parenthood. Kline's bandwagon support is in line with his previous votes on abortion-related legislation, including voting for so-called "personhood" bills.

The fight for access to women's health clinics and, yes--abortion, is very real and no longer abstract. Republican-led efforts across this nation have resulted in some very frightening results:

• Nearly 400 bills in 46 states were introduced that sought to limit abortion in 2015 alone - just that one single year! 
• At least 10 states require women to have an ultrasound before they can have an abortion--a clear attempt to intimidate women into changing their minds. A major study has revealed that this expensive and unnecessary practice has little to no effect on her decision to go through with the abortion. 
• 27 states have mandatory waiting periods for women seeking abortions (Minnesota is one of them).  The amount of time can range from 24 to 72 hours. Because abortion clinics have become scarce in many states, this can put quite a burden on women who have to travel hundreds of miles to get the healthcare they need.
• 53 abortion clinics were forced to close their doors to women in need during 2015 - about one per week. This anti-choice website crows about their success in cutting off women's access to health care.
• Perhaps most hideously, Indiana just passed a law that requires women to pay for funeral or cremation costs following an abortion. At eight weeks, the embryonic tissue is about the size of a kidney bean. I leave it to you to make the logical conclusion on this.  

In addition to women's health, Republicans have proven that their record on women is lacking:

• Only one male Republican Senator voted for the Equal Pay Act in 2009.
• In February 2016, presidential candidate John Kasich took a moment to thank women who "left their kitchens" to help get him elected as governor.  No, really.  He said that.  This year.
• Nebraska State Senator Mark Christensen introduced a bill in 2011 that would've provided legal justification for the murder of abortion providers - "justifiable homicide" under the color of his version of law. It didn't pass, but it had twin sister bills in two other states.
• And Donald Trump.  The guy is winning despite his open misogyny.  

Given all of this work done at the hands of Republican legislators, and much of it signed into law by Republican governors, how can a Republican like my then-boyfriend call himself pro-women?

The cognitive dissonance is astounding to me - and proved to be at least the partial cause of the end of our relationship. I simply could not - and still cannot - understand how his Republican voting record meshes with his belief in women's rights. To vote is to speak. All other political issues aside, how am I to love a man whose vote is speech against my well-being? The boyfriend and I went round and round about this: for him, it's no big thing. For me, it's a deal-breaker.

I see it in such black-and-white terms: I'm a woman and I want access to healthcare and equal pay. Elected Republicans evidently don't see that as valuable, and by extension, it's logical to assume that their electorate doesn't as well: Republican voters either don't care or else actively support these positions...and I can't be in an intimate relationship with someone who falls into either of those categories. It just doesn't align with how I was taught to stand up for injustice and prejudice.

The fine print here: I can be friends with Republicans! Friendships are, obviously, a different animal than relationships. Since the majority of tactics in the Republican War on Women (and yes, there is one!) are based on reproductive health rights...why would I invite a Republican into my bedroom?

Since our breakup, this has continued to be an issue for me when it comes to dating. As in...what's your name, where are you from, and how do you vote? Pretty much in that order. My belief in women's equality has driven away at least three guys in the last two months, and probably countless others who don't view feminism as a value-add when it's listed on my dating profile. *shrug*

What are your thoughts? Are there people out there who are in these "mixed" relationships of Dems/GOPers? I'd love to hear your experience and find out how it works for you.

Risks and Rewards: Vulnerability

I inwardly sighed to myself.  Another Internet date?  I wondered if I had the energy to endure any more freaks, geeks, crazies, or otherwise nice-but-no-spark guys.  I looked at his picture again.  I liked the way his eyes shone, slightly mischievousness and totally fun.  I went back to his message and typed, "Sure, let's meet."  I put my phone down and closed my eyes, offering a prayer to the God of Dating: Let this one be normal.  And cute.  But mostly normal.

[FOOTNOTE: Anyone who has been in this mysterious world of dating knows that these sorts of meet-and-greets generally only last an hour or so.  It's a brief encounter designed to feel the other person out, to determine if more time should be spent on him/her.  Sure, let's meet for a drink so we can both decide if the other is a whacko or not.  It really goes without saying.]

A few hours later, I found myself walking into the bar where we agreed to meet.  I had pre-conditioned myself to have low standards and not to expect too much from what I was sure to be another thanks-but-no-thanks date.  Walking in, I spotted him instantly: lounging casually, beer in hand, smiling as if he knew me already.  He was wearing a black dress shirt and a black sport coat that set off his salt-and-pepper hair perfectly.  Those sparkling blue eyes dared me to join him for a drink.  I smiled broadly despite myself and whispered my thanks to the dating gods.

I sat down at the bar next to him and bravely met that mischievous look, hoping my own green eyes didn't belie my nervousness and that he didn't notice the goosebumps on my arms.

"Hi!" I managed to say, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach. He was so handsome, self-assured, confident.  Normally, that's me: confident, daring, and maybe even edgy.  It was disarming to meet myself.

"You're a lot prettier than your pictures," he offered.  The butterflies flapped their wings in my tummy, and my heart skipped. I blushed.

Five hours later and three rounds of drinks, the bar was closing and we had to call it a night.  As his lips touched mine for a goodnight kiss, I felt my soul stir and the butterflies calm themselves.  It was as if we were long-lost lovers, souls parted for years but now rejoining.  It was easy, effortless, warm.

I will never forget his hand on the small of my back leading me out the door, the feel of his goodnight kiss, and his promise to take me out on a first date. Six weeks later, writing this post, I can feel the same goosebumps rising on my arms and the same silly, happy smile spreading across my face.  I love the sound of his soft voice, the mannish smell of his skin, the crinkles in the corners of his eyes, and the way he kisses me.  But more than that, I love the way my heart feels in his strong, capable hands: protected and secure.  I'm not a woman prone to trusting men easily, but the heart knows when it is free from danger, so I find myself allowing this vulnerability.

Somehow, I don't feel vulnerable at all.

Girlfriends, boyfriends, and what lies between them

Don't you just love those first few months of a relationship when everything is all sparkly and shiny?  You spend your days walking on air and the whole world seems a little softer around the edges.  You crave time with that special person and turn to texting, talking, Facebooking, and tweeting to fill the gaps between dates.  You crow to anyone that will listen about how great (s)he is: how perfect, how charming, how funny! (giggle!)

But pretty soon, your friends grow tired of hearing about your budding romance.  They want to talk about other things - after all, the world has continued to spin on its axis in spite of your blissful unawareness.  If you don't tune in and miss their cues, you risk alienating your allies...the very friends you just may need if (when!) you fall from this man-made heaven.

As I was researching material for this post, I searched the internet for the phrase "balance boyfriend and friends."  Google presented me with the usual ga-jillion hits, only the first ten of which I perused.  Seventeen magazine summed it up perfectly: "When you're going out with a guy, it can be hard to find time for both your BF and your BFFs."  In teen-speak, that seemed succinct, if not also slightly vapid and vaguely juvenile for this audience.

I tried again, searching "balance friends and relationship" - this turned up a far more diverse offering of online self-help.  Evidently this problem is not unique to any particular demographic:

• The Root, a leading African-American publication, headlined their piece:

Ask Demetria: If time spent with a new boo is alienating your homies, try to find a happy medium.

• Ask Men, an online men's magazine, proffered this tidbit on its page:

Don't Let Your Girlfriend

Sabotage Your Friendships

• Psychology Today took a somewhat sexist turn on things:

Once a dating relationship grows and deepens in intimacy, a man is faced with the temptation to isolate from his friends and family and devote all his time and energy to his committed lover. As many women already know, if you want to keep your life in balance, you must must keep same sex friendships a priority. 

Clearly, this topic touches a nerve with us.  And it does with me, too, on a personal level.  A friend of mine has recently lost herself in her boyfriend, surfacing only when he is otherwise engaged at work or with family.  Her behavior is incredibly hurtful--simultaneously both demoralizing and angering in a "why am I not enough?"-kind of way.

When I took a step back from my emotions, I came to two important realizations, though.  The first is that she is very vulnerable in this relationship with her boyfriend, for reasons I will not detail here.  As a way to counteract that, she is spending all available time with him to try to feel connected and establish that crucial bond.  It is not my place to pass judgment on that.  The second point is that I've done it, too...and I am in no place to get upset at anyone else.  I remember that after I was newly married, I lost touch with a great many friends because I wanted to spend all my time with my husband.  Eventually, we became estranged from others and were quite lonely both as individuals and as a couple.  It was a serious lesson to me not to lose sight of that balance.  It's not easy, but it's completely necessary to the health of yourself and your relationship.

WebMD posted a very interesting piece on why friends are actually good for our health.  Forming solid connections through friendships with people has been strongly correlated with good health and longevity.  Dr. Tasha R. Howe, a psychology professor at Humboldt State University in California, says that "people with social support have fewer cardiovascular problems and immune problems, and lower levels of cortisol -- a stress hormone."  The logic is based in evolution: we are social animals, having formed groups out of sheer survival need.  When we have friends, our bodies are less stressed out because they are not fighting natural instinct.  Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, of Brigham Young University, says the evidence is clear: "One thing research shows is that as one's social network gets smaller, one's risk for mortality increases." 

Having a support network of friends is clearly beneficial. That's why it is so important for us to make new friends and keep the old--including adding new boy/girlfriends, while maintaining our previous close friendships. 

In his words...

Normally, I am all about creating my own art.  My own words.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts on this stuff which you guys are courageous enough to read and share and argue back with.  I love that.  And thank you.

Today, however, I stumbled across this gem on the Internet, and knew immediately that what he said was better than anything I had to say.  The post below is from David Mikus, posted in a public note on Facebook, and so I am forwarding it on.  Don't get caught up in his use of pronouns - I think these sage words apply across the board, to women and men, in any and all kinds of relationships.

Most of all, I love #7 on this list, and this quote specifically:

The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.  Lots of wisdom in here.

Peace and love,
leah

****************************************


Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love. 

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not. 

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid. 

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes. 

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win. 

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. 

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. 

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from 
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Dog days and dog dates

It's the dog days of summer here in Minnesota.  Steamy days are followed by sticky nights.  The locals like to complain about the heat but we all know it's pure bluster, because none of us wants Old Man Winter to return any time soon.  Here in the land of 10,000 lakes, we take to our patio bars like ducks to water during these hot summer days - sucking down suds and catching up with friends lost over the previous long winter. 

Last night was more dog than I ever dreamed...and it wasn't weather-related.  The date, Todd, and I met at a cowboy-themed bar in a nearby suburb: the patio there is rimmed with a kitschy split-rail fence and dotted with vinyl-upholstered table tops.  I arrived, ordered a drink, and waited.  I checked Facebook, scanned my email, and repeatedly checked text messages.  Ten minutes later, I was irked.  Ten more minutes later, I was ready to go when he finally showed up.  I blinked at him, wondering how the bright-eyed man in the photos on the online dating website could have morphed into this sweaty, disheveled slop in front of me.

 He gruffly apologized for his tardiness; evidently, he was on his motorcycle and couldn't call to say he would be late.  I shook off my ire and decided to open my mind.  After all, he was good on paper: a 43 year old man, divorced for over five years, and a PhD in engineering that landed him a great job with GE in the medical field.  I had reason to feel hopeful.

Fifteen minutes later, I was regretting my optimism.  Todd was bossy, insulting, and egotistical.  And that's being generously complimentary.  He blithely asserted that I was "too happy-go-lucky" and that anyone who had even a small amount of life experience would know better than to be so positive.  It wasn't worth proving otherwise, and I let the comment float away.  He tried again, telling me that it was too bad that I was pretty and knew it--there's nothing worse than a "woman who knows she's pretty" but in the next breath, he complimented my self-confidence.  The contradiction was lost on him.

Annoyed, I excused myself to use the restroom.  As I walked away from the table, I could feel his eyes penetrating through my clothes and I shuddered.  When I returned to my seat, he was ready:

"You know, I can tell from the way that you walk that you must have a tilted uterus," he breezily announced.

I stared at him.  I had no idea what a tilted uterus was, since no one, not even my OB-GYN, had ever said those words to me, even in the course of two pregnancies.

"Every man should be able to recognize that in a woman, because it makes a difference in how he interacts with her," he continued, oblivious to the horror filling my face.

"I took ten years of classical ballet--that's the reason for my posture and walk," I informed him shortly.  What the eff is in this man's head, I thought.

"Well, I'm sure I'm right," he replied dismissively.  "Knowing about the tilt of your uterus means I know how to touch--"

I cut him off.  "Hmm.  Interesting stuff.  Anyway, so tell me about your daughter?"

Without missing a beat, he launched into a proud recitation of his daughter's accomplishments...and thereby saved me any further awkward conversation.  I sighed inwardly, checked my watch, and made my exit plan.

Later that night, as I recounted the ugly details to my best friend, she laughed at my misfortune.

"That's what you get for dating educated men, hon!"

Two to Tango

It's often said that you can't change other people.  Being the creatively-minded person that I am, I thought for sure that I could get around that little rule if I changed myself in order to meet the needs of the relationship.

So imagine my surprise when my perfectly crafted plan washed away like a sandcastle in high tide.

It wasn't like I didn't try.  I worked hard to learn new ways to communicate, to resolve conflict, to caretake his heart and find happiness.  I toned down the sarcasm and spoke plain English about my worries, fears, and troubles.  I told him what I needed when I was hurting.  I told him how to make me happy.  I left him space to be a boy and get in trouble with his buddies.  But the more I did, the more he pulled away and refused to meet me in the middle.

I still don't know why that is.  Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, maybe it was the poor circumstances of our relationship.  I do know this: I could try to write up an after-action report and dissect each moment, searching forensically for guilt or absolution.  Or I could move on, taking lessons where they appear naturally and finding peace in the future, rather than sorrow in the past.

One clear-cut lesson is this: it takes two to tango.  You can't drag your partner around the dance floor, hoping that he'll pick up the steps in a song or two.  You can't just yank him up out of that chair and lead him to the floor; disaster is sure to ensue in that scenario.  If he doesn't want to be there, you'll only end up tripping over each other and you may even get seriously hurt in a fall.

Sometimes, partners are afraid to tell us "no" - so they go through the motions.  But that's equally as dangerous, because it lures us into false security.  When he's going through the motions, he's not really listening to the music...and the next thing you know, he missed the uptick in tempo, you trip and fall, and he just turns and walks off the dance floor.

If he's late to the dance on a consistent basis, that bears examination as well.  My last partner gave me many signs--a lot of which I missed because I wasn't ready to face them.  One big sign was his consistent inability to show up on time--or sometimes, show up at all.  It should've been the single biggest "he's-just-not-that-into-you" sign of all, but I refused to see it for what it was.  Instead, I would scold him, he'd apologize and promise to do better...and then he'd fail again within a few weeks.  If someone doesn't want to be at the dance, isn't that telling you something about the status of your relationship?  Above all, your partner should look forward to spending time with you.

I am sure that in due time, other lessons from this latest flop will become apparent.  I like to think that failure isn't such a bad thing--that learning from bad experiences is a success of sorts.  I am still working all that out--and trying to do so without letting it drag me down emotionally.  This is a big task.

There is a great TED talk given by Kathryn Schulz about failure--about what happens when we're wrong and how it feels when we think we're right.  I encourage you to spend 15 minutes and watch it:
http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_on_being_wrong.html

Love Thyself

As we all know, a key part of dating is about attractiveness.  How we feel about ourselves and our bodies, the confidence we draw (or don't draw) from how we appear, and what we think our partners are looking for all impacts our relationships.  I am inviting you to an honest conversation on body image...and I'll even go first.

Like most women, I struggle with how I look.  I am constantly judging myself: sneaking glimpses in window reflections, measuring myself against women on television, and spending excess time in the bathroom examining my pores.  I have a ballerina's build that has stuck with me even though I haven't danced since I was in college: a small bustline and muscular legs that NEVER fit quite right into skinny jeans.  My figure is boyishly straight.  I have hazel-green eyes, pale skin, and dark chocolate brown hair.  I'm an all-American mutt--a true mix of western European ancestry with no distinguishing characteristics.  

By contrast, my best friend is curvy in all the right places.  She's about 5'6" tall, with a perfect hourglass figure and thin legs.  Her American Indian heritage is beautifully captured in her long black hair, soft olive skin, and deep brown eyes.  Without a doubt, she is exotic.

In spite of this, I can easily remember a dozen times in the last few months when we would trash ourselves and complain about various aspects of our bodies.  We're constantly "on a diet"--a condition shared by a majority of women.  One British study found that women spend 31 years of their lives on a diet, compared to 28 years for men.  Each diet lasted just five and a half weeks.  

While I'm not advocating we just abandon trying to get healthy, I do have to wonder if all this "dieting" is good for us--physically and emotionally?  

I was watching tv this morning and it seemed like every other commercial was an advertisement for a health-related product: probiotics, weight-loss supplements, cleanses...the list goes on.  While I conscientiously avoid fashion magazines to avoid feeling like I have to compare myself to waif-thin models, I feel barraged by the media and ad moguls reminding me about diets.  Am I supposed to be on a diet? I wonder anxiously.  Am I healthy enough?  Maybe I can diet away these tree-trunk legs...

The truth is, my weight is fine.  My body mass index is fine.  I could tone up a little more, but the reality is that most of us fall into that category.  The bottom line is that we are exposed to this culture of dieting not only because America, in general terms, has an obesity problem, but also because there's considerable money to be made from it.  Did you know that Americans spend $40 million each year on diet-related products?  And yet the obesity rate has been climbing steadily since the mid-1980's.  On the other end of the spectrum, an estimated 8 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder, with almost 90% of them women.  Treatment for eating disorders can range from $500-$2000 per day.  What if we saved our dollars...and just stopped the war on our bodies and self-esteem?

And why do we try so hard to be so thin?  Arguably, it's not as much for the health of our bodies as it is an attempt to find social acceptance, especially from the opposite sex.  Women truly believe that men are more attracted to very thin women.

To that end, an article in Psychology Today magazine presents a compelling discussion on what men actually find attractive.  According to the piece, co-written by two medical doctors who have studied why women need body fat, men actually don't find ultra-thin women more attractive.  They cite the fact that the average Playboy model is 5'6" and 115 pounds, with a BMI between 18-19.  While that may seem light, compare it to the average fashion model that has a BMI of 17.1, while almost half of all models have a BMI under 17--grossly underweight according to the Centers for Disease Control.  If men were attracted to extremely thin women, wouldn't Playboy magazine capitalize on that?

Dove Beauty Campaign recently published a video wherein seven women described themselves to FBI sketch artist Gil Zamora.  A second sketch was then compiled by the sketch artist, but this time as described by a stranger who had spent time earlier in the day with the women.  The two sketches produced marked differences and underscored the point that, as Dove says, "you're more beautiful than you think."  Watch the video here.

So the next time you're standing in front of the bathroom mirror practicing sucking in your stomach (c'mon, I'm not the only one who does that!)...maybe just cut yourself a small break.  Just once.  And then think about how much better it feels to love yourself than to hate some perceived "flaws."  Because what you think might not be the way others see you.  Only 4% of women in this world consider themselves beautiful.  I personally KNOW that more than 4% of the people that I see are beautiful.  

Including you.

feedback always welcome!

leahc168@gmail.com

Invasive Species

Last night was ladies' night out.  You know the kind: we get all dolled up in too much makeup and too high of heels to head out on the town to taunt men, with the rule being that we all leave the bar together.  Always a good time...unless you're a guy trying to break into that circle....sorry, guys...

Around midnight, we descended on a St. Paul hot spot called Wild Onion.  As the girls headed out to the dance floor, I hung back to survey the crowd.  Within two minutes, the Creepazoid was at my side.

"Hi!  I'm Eric." (Or is it Erik? Or Erick? Erich?  I didn't ask.)

I stared blankly at him.  Who was this creature?  Was I in a 1996 time-warp?  He wore a plain blue v-neck t-shirt that was two sizes too small, a heavy silver chain necklace, and gel-spiked hair.  

"I love Spice Girls!  Let's go dance!" he yelled in my ear.  What guy says that?!  For that matter, what girl in a post-Y2K world would say that?!  It should also be noted that he was quick to tell me that he was sober--doesn't drink--and that he was there alone.  Red flag!  Red flag!

Before I knew it, I was on the dance floor, trying mightily to keep a healthy distance between me and the Creepazoid.  I quickly located my gal pals and gave them the pleading "help-me-out-here" eyes.  They laughed at my misfortune and we tried to make our escape from the him.

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy.  When we found a table to sit at, he squeezed right in next to me in the booth. He was not to be deterred by our girl talk or blatant texting to each other about his obnoxious behavior. To quote Vince Vaughn's character in "Wedding Crashers"...we had a Stage Five Clinger.  As other guys came up to try to talk to us, he brushed them off and whispered to me that they were "number two" to him.  To say I was horrified is to put it mildly. 

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I HATE being a possession.  Being owned.  Being caged.  It makes my innards queasy.  And it made me think: what is the right amount of "possession" in a relationship?  Where do we draw the line between "we" and "I"?

Earlier in the day yesterday, I had coffee with a dear friend who is in the beginning stages of divorce.  As we talked about our failed marriages, we found that we had both struggled with how much of ourselves to turn over to our partners.  At the beginning my marriage, I neglected my friends and my personal needs in order to be with him, (wrongly) thinking that doing so would make our relationship stronger.  But instead, I lost sight of who I was and what I needed, which was a contributing factor to the failure of the marriage.  

An article in Psychology Today discusses this very issue, and urges partners to find ways to communicate regarding personal space needs.  Failure to communicate the needs can foster a breeding ground for "negative feelings: rejection, insecurity, jealousy, mistrust, and resentment."  When one partner moves away without telling the other what (s)he's up to, even when the motives are pure, it can cause a rift in the relationship.  Talking about space needs before it becomes an issue can head off a potential storm.

"Space" is a multi-faceted thing--it comes in many forms.  There's emotional space, physical space, and even spiritual space.  A failure to provide enough room in one of these areas will likely result in the partner taking space in another form.  Dr Vondie Lozano, a California marriage and family therapist, stated in a Wall Street Journal piece on relationships that "if you don't give them their physical space, they will take emotional space."  

But when we do give our partners what they need, our relationship is much more likely to thrive.  In romantic relationships, we seek to give comfort and increase happiness for the person that we're with.  That may come in the form of a good meal, a sweet note, or a thoughtful gift.  What if the best gift you can give your partner is the gift of personal space?  

Don't make your partner resort to this:

As always...feedback welcome!

leahc168@gmail.com

Spring Clean Your Heart

Spring has sprung!!  .....Or so I'm told, from people who have been to warmer parts of the United States.  Here in the Midwest, it's been lingering at a bone-chilling 40 degrees, although I will say that the sun is stronger and stays out longer.  Still, I'm ready for green grass and daffodils.

There are lots of reasons to love springtime, not the least of which is that glorious day of the year when you can pack up the parkas, clean the house, and throw the window open to let clean, fresh air in.  As we transition from dark winter to bright summer, we look at all aspects of our lives to ready ourselves for the new season.  Diets clean up as we get ourselves beach-body ready, calendars lighten up as we make time for gardening and lawn care, and we reconnect with neighbors not seen since before the first snowfall.

As I was cleaning out my kids' room today, I got to thinking that this ritualistic seasonal activity should apply to more than just our diets, calendars, and closets.  What about our hearts?  What are we doing to prep the field so that love can grow?

I spent my 20's living in a small town in western Wisconsin.  Every spring, I saw the farm fields that surrounded our community turn from dusty, dry brown to rich, dark black after the farmers turned the soil to prepare for planting.  The seeds, laid in neat rows for miles on end, held so much hope for the future.  The right summertime conditions of warmth, rain, and nourishment yielded a bountiful fall harvest.  If the soil was bad or the rain didn't come, the seeds were stunted or perhaps failed to sprout at all.

Like those acres and acres of Wisconsin farmland, our hearts are the fertile soil in which we must sow seeds of love.  If the space in our heart is tainted with fear, hurt, sorrow, or impatience, the seeds have no chance of growing.  They will die without ever having seen sunlight.  But if we offer our hearts a bit of peace and provide room for knowledge and growth, our seeds have a much better chance of realizing themselves.

As there were varieties of crops on those vast Wisconsin fields, there are varieties of love as well.  If we plant romantic love and have not seeds of self-love already in the ground, romantic love will surely result in failure.  Promises made to a partner are meaningless if we fail to know what lies within our souls.  Discovering the habits of our hearts are the very key to unlocking our ability to fully experience love.  If we don't know ourselves, we will never have the capacity to understand another person.

So ask yourself a few questions as you ready your heart to find love, keep love, or expand the love you already have.  Turn these thoughts over in your head, as a farmer turns his fields:

• What circumstances do I need in order to be happy?  
• In what activities do I find joy?
• What can I offer to my partner?
• Am I communicating effectively?  Does my partner know these things about me?

Answering these questions will be like pouring sunlight on your heart.

Brave Heart

THEN:
Setting: Oak Grove Intermediate School lunchroom, Fall 1990 (6th grade)

Me (peering anxiously across the lunchroom at a boy): Oh my gosh.  Are you sure he got the note?
My BFF (exasperated): Yes.  He got the note that you wrote.  I gave it right to him.
Me: Well, did he read it?
BFF: I don't know!  You really like him, don't you??  (sing-song)  Leah and Jimmy*, sitting in a tree...
Me:  Shut up!

I'll save you from the ugly, nit-picky details of the rest of the tragedy and cut right to the end:  No, Jimmy didn't like me.  He never responded to my note asking him if he liked me.  It turns out, 20 years later, that he's gay.  I guess I can pick 'em, right!?!

*not his real name (duh!)

PRESENT DAY:
Setting: Diamond Path Elementary School hallway, Spring 2013

Me (peering anxiously across the hall at a boy): Maybe I should just ask him out.
BFF (via text message): Yes, you should.  Put an end to this already!
Me: But what if he has a girlfriend? 
BFF: Then at least you'll know!

Luckily for me, this one turned out a lot better than my 6th grade foray into asking boys out.  This time, he said yes!  He's not gay, nor does he have a girlfriend.  He's tall, well-built, and has sparkly blue eyes that dance when he laughs.  We met for coffee a few days later, then he took me out on a "real" date the next week.  That night, he arrived at my door step in a starched, pressed shirt, with three roses for me in his hand, and a shy, sweet, boyish smile on his face.  I think I picked a good one!  (For the record, my mother was horrified at my blatant disregard for The Rules!)

We both have every reason to be afraid.  As divorced parents, we each have had our share of past failed relationships, and we have so much to protect now--not the least of which is our kids....or our hearts.

But love is about taking chances.  Indeed, relationships in general, whether they be platonic, familial, or romantic, require a great deal of risk. The issue, then, is determining whether love is an all-out gamble or a calculated risk.

Most of us (some studies suggest up to 80% of people) are unreasonably optimistic about our own futures, even when we have no reason to be and evidence presented would indicate the opposite.  We fully believe that statistics don't affect us--that we won't become victims of cancer, bankruptcy, or crime.  For this reason, we eat junk food, spend foolishly, or leave our cars unlocked with keys in the ignition.  Our frontal lobes underestimate these sorts of risks as so to decrease stress and anxiety.

But when it comes to love, we hesitate.  We sit back, trying to gauge the temperature by merely peering out the window.  We see partly cloudy weather, rather than a mostly sunny sky, and decide it's better to stay indoors.  Why are we willing to put our cars at risk for theft, but not to take a chance and ask someone out on a date? 

I contend that a great deal of the answer lies in courage.  How willing are you to roll the dice and accept the outcome, even if it's snake eyes?  What if I would've asked out the guy at my kids' school and it turned out that he declined because he had a girlfriend?  At least then I would know.  And knowing provides a sense of relief and calm.  There's a reason why people say that knowledge is power--the power to make myself happy.

And just as it takes a great deal of courage to get into a relationship, it requires the same amount to get out of one.  I have a few friends right now that are contemplating divorce or break-up...and they are merely sitting next to the window, trying to decide if conditions are right by seeing only what's on the other side of a 9 square-foot piece of glass.  This is not to suggest that they're not doing a legitimate cost-benefit analysis; rather, it is to say that the analysis is done and while they know that they're not in the right place, they're afraid to make a move that, ultimately, appears to be in everyone's best interest.

I was scared to death to broach the topic of divorce with my spouse.  Knowing it would forever alter us and our children, I labored over the decision for months on end.  But once decided, I gathered my courage and talked to him...and a weight was lifted off my heart.

Whether it be asking someone out, treating someone right, or moving on...there can be no shortage of bravery in our hearts.  Have the courage to try for happiness.

What is Romance?

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to spend a few days with a great group of women.  We rented a house at a resort with the intent to pamper ourselves in the spa and spend time relaxing.  As herds of women are prone to do, we took turns dishing about the various men in our lives: what he did or didn't do, how that made us feel, what we loved and what could be better.  By the time we left on Sunday, I realized there was one main theme: Communication.

I spent the next two days talking with other friends--men and women alike--trying to define this mysterious "communication" thing.  Someone referred to it as romance, and that got me thinking: What is romance?

Romance is often intangible as a concept, but it can be found hidden in the small token efforts that make the other person feel cared for.  These little offerings--communications--tell the other person that they are valued.  Throughout all of our conversations this weekend, my girlfriends consistently indicated that what they missed in their long-term relationships were these seemingly almost-meaningless expressions of care.  The wake-up text message or a cup of coffee and a note in the kitchen can often mean more than an expensive dinner or a bouquet of roses.  

I've spent a lot of time talking with friends who are divorced, near divorce, or actively going through divorce right now.  I encourage them to take a look at their relationships and find out what went wrong.  Often, I hear that one or both partners forgot to take time out for the relationship--that the dishes piled up, the kids needed to go to soccer/hockey/gymnastics practice, that work became a priority...or that these distractions even eventually became an escape.  When we fail to kiss goodnight or say good morning, the partnership begins to die.  Relationships are built on those small moments and minor expressions of care; there is no substitute for making a daily connection with our partner.

Someone told me that he defined romance as "the desire to bare one's true self to another...[which] achieves a greater sense of euphoria (love)."  This incredible sense of personal vulnerability inevitably ties us to our partners; recognizing and respecting this naked exposure creates a bond that can never be undone.

One of my friends has been in an on-again, off-again pseudo-relationship. Without a doubt, they love each other, but external negative circumstances always seem to nose their way in, causing disruption and instigating arguments.  Whenever this happens, she will ask me the eternal question: "Why do I love him?"  For a long time, I had no answer.  Now I know: it's because you know what is in each other's hearts.  You've each been vulnerable, you've allowed each other into the most secret places of your soul...and you can't undo that confession.

Sometimes I think that we are more polite to strangers on the street than those living under our own roofs.  How many of us will force a smile for the barista at Starbucks, but then come home and grump to our partners--or worse, breeze by them without saying a word?  While our homes and relationships should be a safe place to talk through problems and experience frustrations, we can't do so to the exclusion of purposefully creating good times, too.  A short text message to say "I know it's tough at work today...hope you have a good day though!" can only create love and happiness in the other person, even if it's just a tiny spark.  It only takes a single spark to ignite a fire.


Fire is risky, and not without its dangers.  But the greatest risk can offer the greatest reward.  Even if you don't know if the gesture will be returned, what have you really lost by trying?  I challenge you to do something that would surprise your partner and put an unplanned smile on his/her face...to do something that you used to do but have since forgotten due to the daily demands of life.  It doesn't have to big grand or intense...but it does need to be authentic and meaningful...try to recall what is in your partner's heart, and speak to it.