What is Romance?

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to spend a few days with a great group of women.  We rented a house at a resort with the intent to pamper ourselves in the spa and spend time relaxing.  As herds of women are prone to do, we took turns dishing about the various men in our lives: what he did or didn't do, how that made us feel, what we loved and what could be better.  By the time we left on Sunday, I realized there was one main theme: Communication.

I spent the next two days talking with other friends--men and women alike--trying to define this mysterious "communication" thing.  Someone referred to it as romance, and that got me thinking: What is romance?

Romance is often intangible as a concept, but it can be found hidden in the small token efforts that make the other person feel cared for.  These little offerings--communications--tell the other person that they are valued.  Throughout all of our conversations this weekend, my girlfriends consistently indicated that what they missed in their long-term relationships were these seemingly almost-meaningless expressions of care.  The wake-up text message or a cup of coffee and a note in the kitchen can often mean more than an expensive dinner or a bouquet of roses.  

I've spent a lot of time talking with friends who are divorced, near divorce, or actively going through divorce right now.  I encourage them to take a look at their relationships and find out what went wrong.  Often, I hear that one or both partners forgot to take time out for the relationship--that the dishes piled up, the kids needed to go to soccer/hockey/gymnastics practice, that work became a priority...or that these distractions even eventually became an escape.  When we fail to kiss goodnight or say good morning, the partnership begins to die.  Relationships are built on those small moments and minor expressions of care; there is no substitute for making a daily connection with our partner.

Someone told me that he defined romance as "the desire to bare one's true self to another...[which] achieves a greater sense of euphoria (love)."  This incredible sense of personal vulnerability inevitably ties us to our partners; recognizing and respecting this naked exposure creates a bond that can never be undone.

One of my friends has been in an on-again, off-again pseudo-relationship. Without a doubt, they love each other, but external negative circumstances always seem to nose their way in, causing disruption and instigating arguments.  Whenever this happens, she will ask me the eternal question: "Why do I love him?"  For a long time, I had no answer.  Now I know: it's because you know what is in each other's hearts.  You've each been vulnerable, you've allowed each other into the most secret places of your soul...and you can't undo that confession.

Sometimes I think that we are more polite to strangers on the street than those living under our own roofs.  How many of us will force a smile for the barista at Starbucks, but then come home and grump to our partners--or worse, breeze by them without saying a word?  While our homes and relationships should be a safe place to talk through problems and experience frustrations, we can't do so to the exclusion of purposefully creating good times, too.  A short text message to say "I know it's tough at work today...hope you have a good day though!" can only create love and happiness in the other person, even if it's just a tiny spark.  It only takes a single spark to ignite a fire.


Fire is risky, and not without its dangers.  But the greatest risk can offer the greatest reward.  Even if you don't know if the gesture will be returned, what have you really lost by trying?  I challenge you to do something that would surprise your partner and put an unplanned smile on his/her face...to do something that you used to do but have since forgotten due to the daily demands of life.  It doesn't have to big grand or intense...but it does need to be authentic and meaningful...try to recall what is in your partner's heart, and speak to it.