Consequences

Three years ago, when my then-husband and I made the decision to get divorced, I knew there would be tough moments in my future.  Heading into a split like that, you try to prepare yourself as much as possible for difficult times: the holidays alone or the nights when you don't get to play Santa or Tooth Fairy.  Today, I had another one of those lonely moments.

The kids and their dad are on their way this morning to spend the next ten days in Florida with his family.  It is going to be a fantastic experience for my children: nearly a week and a half in the warmth of a strong southern sun, spending time with extended family--including their only cousin.  It is a true blessing that their father is able to take them on this trip.

At the same time that I am so happy for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness.  Times like these always make me reflect back on why I got divorced, and whether or not I made the right choice.  As I talked to the kids on the phone this morning, I could picture them at the airport, their eyes alive with excitement and their small bodies wiggling happily in their seats.  I tried to picture myself there with them and their father, but the image wouldn't come.  I felt entirely separated and distant from this man who at one time was my life partner.

Eight years earlier, we had stood side by side and tied the knot in front of our pastor.  Now, it took two lawyers, a judge, and a court clerk to finally untangle the knotty mess.  I remember sitting in the courtroom during our final divorce proceeding, my heart pounding out of chest, and looking past both our lawyers to get a glimpse of my soon-to-be ex-husband.  Dressed in a button down shirt and the khaki pants that I had bought him years earlier, he appeared stoic with zero expression on his face.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks--tears of fear, of anxiety, of sadness.  As the judge pronounced our marriage "irretrievably broken," I felt a small part of me die...and another small part of me reawaken.  

Divorce is not without consequences, of course...but to assume the word "consequence" is purely negative is to make a poor conclusion.  When the storm of divorce was over, I dared to raise my head to survey the damage.  What I found was that the rain and wind had stripped away anything weak, leaving a bare landscape ready for new life.  While I had been trying to make things fit and work in our marriage for years, I was filled with anxiety and frustration.  Once we made the difficult decision to call it over, I felt released and ready to become someone new.

Or...maybe just someone I had always been.