Setting: Oak Grove Intermediate School lunchroom, Fall 1990 (6th grade)
Me (peering anxiously across the lunchroom at a boy): Oh my gosh. Are you sure he got the note?
My BFF (exasperated): Yes. He got the note that you wrote. I gave it right to him.
Me: Well, did he read it?
BFF: I don't know! You really like him, don't you?? (sing-song) Leah and Jimmy*, sitting in a tree...
Me: Shut up!
I'll save you from the ugly, nit-picky details of the rest of the tragedy and cut right to the end: No, Jimmy didn't like me. He never responded to my note asking him if he liked me. It turns out, 20 years later, that he's gay. I guess I can pick 'em, right!?!
*not his real name (duh!)
PRESENT DAY:
Setting: Diamond Path Elementary School hallway, Spring 2013
Me (peering anxiously across the hall at a boy): Maybe I should just ask him out.
BFF (via text message): Yes, you should. Put an end to this already!
Me: But what if he has a girlfriend?
BFF: Then at least you'll know!
Luckily for me, this one turned out a lot better than my 6th grade foray into asking boys out. This time, he said yes! He's not gay, nor does he have a girlfriend. He's tall, well-built, and has sparkly blue eyes that dance when he laughs. We met for coffee a few days later, then he took me out on a "real" date the next week. That night, he arrived at my door step in a starched, pressed shirt, with three roses for me in his hand, and a shy, sweet, boyish smile on his face. I think I picked a good one! (For the record, my mother was horrified at my blatant disregard for The Rules!)
We both have every reason to be afraid. As divorced parents, we each have had our share of past failed relationships, and we have so much to protect now--not the least of which is our kids....or our hearts.
But love is about taking chances. Indeed, relationships in general, whether they be platonic, familial, or romantic, require a great deal of risk. The issue, then, is determining whether love is an all-out gamble or a calculated risk.
Most of us (some studies suggest up to 80% of people) are unreasonably optimistic about our own futures, even when we have no reason to be and evidence presented would indicate the opposite. We fully believe that statistics don't affect us--that we won't become victims of cancer, bankruptcy, or crime. For this reason, we eat junk food, spend foolishly, or leave our cars unlocked with keys in the ignition. Our frontal lobes underestimate these sorts of risks as so to decrease stress and anxiety.
But when it comes to love, we hesitate. We sit back, trying to gauge the temperature by merely peering out the window. We see partly cloudy weather, rather than a mostly sunny sky, and decide it's better to stay indoors. Why are we willing to put our cars at risk for theft, but not to take a chance and ask someone out on a date?
I contend that a great deal of the answer lies in courage. How willing are you to roll the dice and accept the outcome, even if it's snake eyes? What if I would've asked out the guy at my kids' school and it turned out that he declined because he had a girlfriend? At least then I would know. And knowing provides a sense of relief and calm. There's a reason why people say that knowledge is power--the power to make myself happy.
And just as it takes a great deal of courage to get into a relationship, it requires the same amount to get out of one. I have a few friends right now that are contemplating divorce or break-up...and they are merely sitting next to the window, trying to decide if conditions are right by seeing only what's on the other side of a 9 square-foot piece of glass. This is not to suggest that they're not doing a legitimate cost-benefit analysis; rather, it is to say that the analysis is done and while they know that they're not in the right place, they're afraid to make a move that, ultimately, appears to be in everyone's best interest.
I was scared to death to broach the topic of divorce with my spouse. Knowing it would forever alter us and our children, I labored over the decision for months on end. But once decided, I gathered my courage and talked to him...and a weight was lifted off my heart.
Whether it be asking someone out, treating someone right, or moving on...there can be no shortage of bravery in our hearts. Have the courage to try for happiness.
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