Friends With Benefits (?)(!)(.)

Author's note: My friend, "Jim," asked me to write about this topic.  No, we're NOT friends with benefits.  Just friends.  No benefits.  I promise.

Friends with benefits.  No strings attached.  Pillow pals.  Lots of names for what is essentially the same thing: repeated sexual encounters with the same person, without a romantic relationship or commitment.

Urban Dictionary's definition:

Friends with Benefits (verb): A healthy, fun sexual relationship between two people......Until one falls for the other, the friendship blows to pieces, and those two people find themselves worse off than they were before.

That sounds pretty accurate, given my training (none) and experience (limited).  Still, I have friends (mostly men) that swear by this act--they believe that not getting involved emotionally is better than the risks and pitfalls of a committed relationship.  

The trouble with all of it is that one person (usually the female in heterosexual relationships) ends up falling for the other.  Even with the best intentions, with the expectations clear and managed, we girls end up falling for the guy and making a mess of the whole thing.  I wondered why this was...so, naturally, I turned to the Internet for answers.

As it turns out, there's a scientific answer.  Scientific studies have shown that humans experience a hormone release following orgasm.  In women, the hormone is oxytocin--the so-called "cuddling hormone" because it lowers our capacity for fear and increases our sense of bonding.  Men, on the other hand, release dopamine--the pleasure hormone.  So while men are laying in bed, feeling happy and sleepy, women's hormones are busy convincing us that we are bonded, in love, and ready to commit to this guy.  

Mother Nature is a real *%$^, isn't she?!  That's not even fair!

This, dear readers, is why I do not believe in the concept of  "friends with benefits" (FWB).  It's scientifically impossible for women to handle.  Unless.....

1.  The sex is bad.  It's basic: if women don't reach orgasm, then the oxytocin release won't happen and the whole let's-fall-in-love-and-get-married-and-have-a-zillion-babies reaction is stopped cold.  HA!  Take that, evolution!!  Of course, the downfall is that bad sex is no fun and negates the entire reason for the experience.  Hmm...maybe this isn't a plausible answer...

2.  You avoid cuddling afterwards.  Shaking off the whole experience before the hormones can really kick in seems like it would help.  Get out of bed, take a cold shower, and WAKE THE HELL UP.  This isn't love; it's sex.

The concept gets even more convoluted when you have a real friendship with the other person.  As I was talking this over with a gal pal, it occurred to us that there's a difference between friends with benefits and acquaintances with benefits.  A friend--someone you're connected to, that you share a bond with--complicates the FWB  sexual relationship even more.  If you are invested in his/her well-being by virtue of the friendship, AND you're sleeping with him/her...how is this not dating?  How is this not a romantic relationship?  At least in the acquaintance scenario, you are not bonded by anything other than a mutual appreciation for a satisfying sexual relationship.  It seems it would be a lot more emotionally safe to keep the friendship out of it.

There.  You've been warned.