Someone once accused me, not too long ago, of being afraid of commitment. At the time, my immediate reaction was to laugh. How ridiculous! I thought. I'm the person who sits and analyzes relationships, writes about it, thinks about it.
But the statement stuck with me and I found myself really considering the idea. Am I afraid of commitment? If so, why? Even now, writing this post, I'm struggling with what I've already thought through on the topic.
The easy answer is that, as a divorced woman, I think that love and relationships are perhaps too difficult. But I reject that answer nearly as quickly as I present it, because a difficult thing has never been something I've shied away from. And of course love and relationships are difficult! It's not easy to find the person with whom you would share everything, compromise some things, give up others. That person who makes your heart flutter, even years after the first kiss. The man whose face you never tire of looking at, whose flaws are known and still loved, whose scars make him even more incredible. You know--that Mr. Right.
So I tried to examine what other reasons I had that would be stopping me from getting into a relationship. It's certainly not the men. My goodness, there are some great guys out there. Beautiful, strong men--and I'm not talking physically. I mean that these men have put their hearts and emotions out there, risked looking foolish, in order to make their intentions known to me. And one by one, I've found a reason to duck away.
Instead, almost without fail, I seek out the guy who is clearly not right: the player, the faker, the tough guy, the empty one, the unavailable. And when it all goes upside down inside of a week or two, I might shed a tear or two but ultimately, there's a small part of me that's almost relieved.
It's like eating a steady diet of empty calories and wondering why you're never satisfied.
Is it just that I'm not ready to be in a relationship, or is it that I'm truly afraid? If I'm afraid, what exactly causes the fear? Can the fear be conquered or is it a fatal flaw? Am I just too picky, expecting too much?
After all, two is better than one. I'm not such a fool that I can't see that.
Sounds like it's time for some therapy... why DO you continue to seek out or chase Mr. Wrong? The flip side is whether or not you are just too picky and your standards are unattainable. Every guy will have something that absolutely disgusts you or pisses you off. Are you willing to truly love and accept someone as they are knowing that NO ONE will ever be exactly like you or to your liking?
ReplyDeleteTherapy???? Really!!! No one wants to seek or chase after the wrong person. It just seem that they always appear at the right time for all the wrong reasons. It's when one stop looking that The Right one appears. Beside second marriage are life partner...the first one are an experierment. Dont get me wrong, some experiment works out. But for those of us that didnt work out, we are more aware of what we want and what we need especially if there are children involve.
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