Consequences

Three years ago, when my then-husband and I made the decision to get divorced, I knew there would be tough moments in my future.  Heading into a split like that, you try to prepare yourself as much as possible for difficult times: the holidays alone or the nights when you don't get to play Santa or Tooth Fairy.  Today, I had another one of those lonely moments.

The kids and their dad are on their way this morning to spend the next ten days in Florida with his family.  It is going to be a fantastic experience for my children: nearly a week and a half in the warmth of a strong southern sun, spending time with extended family--including their only cousin.  It is a true blessing that their father is able to take them on this trip.

At the same time that I am so happy for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness.  Times like these always make me reflect back on why I got divorced, and whether or not I made the right choice.  As I talked to the kids on the phone this morning, I could picture them at the airport, their eyes alive with excitement and their small bodies wiggling happily in their seats.  I tried to picture myself there with them and their father, but the image wouldn't come.  I felt entirely separated and distant from this man who at one time was my life partner.

Eight years earlier, we had stood side by side and tied the knot in front of our pastor.  Now, it took two lawyers, a judge, and a court clerk to finally untangle the knotty mess.  I remember sitting in the courtroom during our final divorce proceeding, my heart pounding out of chest, and looking past both our lawyers to get a glimpse of my soon-to-be ex-husband.  Dressed in a button down shirt and the khaki pants that I had bought him years earlier, he appeared stoic with zero expression on his face.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks--tears of fear, of anxiety, of sadness.  As the judge pronounced our marriage "irretrievably broken," I felt a small part of me die...and another small part of me reawaken.  

Divorce is not without consequences, of course...but to assume the word "consequence" is purely negative is to make a poor conclusion.  When the storm of divorce was over, I dared to raise my head to survey the damage.  What I found was that the rain and wind had stripped away anything weak, leaving a bare landscape ready for new life.  While I had been trying to make things fit and work in our marriage for years, I was filled with anxiety and frustration.  Once we made the difficult decision to call it over, I felt released and ready to become someone new.

Or...maybe just someone I had always been. 

What is Romance?

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to spend a few days with a great group of women.  We rented a house at a resort with the intent to pamper ourselves in the spa and spend time relaxing.  As herds of women are prone to do, we took turns dishing about the various men in our lives: what he did or didn't do, how that made us feel, what we loved and what could be better.  By the time we left on Sunday, I realized there was one main theme: Communication.

I spent the next two days talking with other friends--men and women alike--trying to define this mysterious "communication" thing.  Someone referred to it as romance, and that got me thinking: What is romance?

Romance is often intangible as a concept, but it can be found hidden in the small token efforts that make the other person feel cared for.  These little offerings--communications--tell the other person that they are valued.  Throughout all of our conversations this weekend, my girlfriends consistently indicated that what they missed in their long-term relationships were these seemingly almost-meaningless expressions of care.  The wake-up text message or a cup of coffee and a note in the kitchen can often mean more than an expensive dinner or a bouquet of roses.  

I've spent a lot of time talking with friends who are divorced, near divorce, or actively going through divorce right now.  I encourage them to take a look at their relationships and find out what went wrong.  Often, I hear that one or both partners forgot to take time out for the relationship--that the dishes piled up, the kids needed to go to soccer/hockey/gymnastics practice, that work became a priority...or that these distractions even eventually became an escape.  When we fail to kiss goodnight or say good morning, the partnership begins to die.  Relationships are built on those small moments and minor expressions of care; there is no substitute for making a daily connection with our partner.

Someone told me that he defined romance as "the desire to bare one's true self to another...[which] achieves a greater sense of euphoria (love)."  This incredible sense of personal vulnerability inevitably ties us to our partners; recognizing and respecting this naked exposure creates a bond that can never be undone.

One of my friends has been in an on-again, off-again pseudo-relationship. Without a doubt, they love each other, but external negative circumstances always seem to nose their way in, causing disruption and instigating arguments.  Whenever this happens, she will ask me the eternal question: "Why do I love him?"  For a long time, I had no answer.  Now I know: it's because you know what is in each other's hearts.  You've each been vulnerable, you've allowed each other into the most secret places of your soul...and you can't undo that confession.

Sometimes I think that we are more polite to strangers on the street than those living under our own roofs.  How many of us will force a smile for the barista at Starbucks, but then come home and grump to our partners--or worse, breeze by them without saying a word?  While our homes and relationships should be a safe place to talk through problems and experience frustrations, we can't do so to the exclusion of purposefully creating good times, too.  A short text message to say "I know it's tough at work today...hope you have a good day though!" can only create love and happiness in the other person, even if it's just a tiny spark.  It only takes a single spark to ignite a fire.


Fire is risky, and not without its dangers.  But the greatest risk can offer the greatest reward.  Even if you don't know if the gesture will be returned, what have you really lost by trying?  I challenge you to do something that would surprise your partner and put an unplanned smile on his/her face...to do something that you used to do but have since forgotten due to the daily demands of life.  It doesn't have to big grand or intense...but it does need to be authentic and meaningful...try to recall what is in your partner's heart, and speak to it.  

Fear & Loving in Minneapolis

Someone once accused me, not too long ago, of being afraid of commitment.  At the time, my immediate reaction was to laugh.  How ridiculous! I thought.  I'm the person who sits and analyzes relationships, writes about it, thinks about it.  

But the statement stuck with me and I found myself really considering the idea.  Am I afraid of commitment?  If so, why?  Even now, writing this post, I'm struggling with what I've already thought through on the topic.

The easy answer is that, as a divorced woman, I think that love and relationships are perhaps too difficult.  But I reject that answer nearly as quickly as I present it, because a difficult thing has never been something I've shied away from.  And of course love and relationships are difficult!  It's not easy to find the person with whom you would share everything, compromise some things, give up others. That person who makes your heart flutter, even years after the first kiss.  The man whose face you never tire of looking at, whose flaws are known and still loved, whose scars make him even more incredible.  You know--that Mr. Right. 

So I tried to examine what other reasons I had that would be stopping me from getting into a relationship.  It's certainly not the men.  My goodness, there are some great guys out there.  Beautiful, strong men--and I'm not talking physically.  I mean that these men have put their hearts and emotions out there, risked looking foolish, in order to make their intentions known to me.  And one by one, I've found a reason to duck away.  

Instead, almost without fail, I seek out the guy who is clearly not right: the player, the faker, the tough guy, the empty one, the unavailable.  And when it all goes upside down inside of a week or two, I might shed a tear or two but ultimately, there's a small part of me that's almost relieved.  

It's like eating a steady diet of empty calories and wondering why you're never satisfied.

Is it just that I'm not ready to be in a relationship, or is it that I'm truly afraid?  If I'm afraid, what exactly causes the fear?  Can the fear be conquered or is it a fatal flaw?  Am I just too picky, expecting too much?

After all, two is better than one.  I'm not such a fool that I can't see that.  

Hearts + Clovers

Every once in a while, luck happens.  You catch all the green lights, a stranger buys your coffee, you win on a pull-tab...luck is mysterious--nearly as mysterious as romance.  Cupid plays some funny games, which is why we have to keep our sense of humor when it comes to dating.

That chubby little mythical baby might have done something right this time, though.  With St. Patrick's Day approaching, and Valentines' Day just barely behind us, maybe the hearts blended with the four-leaf clovers and...

VOILA!  He appeared.

THE Him.  The Him that every woman wants to meet, hopes she will meet, prays she will meet from the time she is a little girl.  Mr. Greek God himself.  When I first saw him, I was just out with some friends, not expecting to find anyone even remotely interesting.  When he caught my eye, I felt my heart jump.  I smiled shyly, not sure what I was even doing.  When he came over to talk to me, the noisy world around us melted away...it was like going from bustling Times Square to a quiet, flower-filled meadow inside of a few seconds. 

We flirted, we exchanged names, numbers, and a small kiss...then he left for the night.

But lest you, dear reader, think that he was going to turn out to be a dud (much as I was thinking for the first twenty minutes after he left)...my phone chirped and there it was: 

"Was good 2 meet u!"

A ridiculously huge smile spread across my face.  My heart rate quickened and I closed my eyes.  My first thoughts?

This one doesn't play games!  He's honest!

Maybe everything I've been writing about with regard to the Rules of the Game only applies when it's not a match.  When it's a truly mutual match--when there's that real electricity shared between the two of you--rules and games just sort of disappear.

In the intervening days since we met, he's proved to be as wonderful as I had hoped he would be.  Random, mid-day text messages to say that he's thinking about me, a few beautiful dates filled with laughter, honest questions, and real conversation.  His blue-green eyes sparkle when he laughs after he's teased me, his hard, strong arms wrap around me when he pulls me in for a soft, sweet kiss, and I get butterflies in my tummy even when we're just sitting on the couch talking.  

Where this will lead is anyone's guess...there are complexities in our lives that may inhibit growth...but I refuse to believe that what's meant to be would cease to be just because of a few obstacles.  I am enjoying the time we're sharing and time will tell what will develop.  I believe in hope and in love...and I'm learning to have faith in God's plan for me.    

In my mind, I am....

First of all, I apologize to my dear readers.  It's been awhile.  I missed you, but I was sorting through some stuff and honestly, you wouldn't have been interested.  Or maybe I've misjudged you and you would have been terribly interested, but the moment has passed us by now...and there is only one way forward now...

....and it's with a funny story.  Who doesn't love a good funny dating story?!

So my gal pal went out with a guy tonight that she met via an online dating site.  This was the second date--the first "date" was just a meet/greet over a cocktail.  This was a bigger deal: start with dinner, open-ended, who-knows-where-the-night-will-take-us scenario.  Butterflies in the tummy, carefully planned out outfit...the whole nine yards.

[You should know that my gal pal is no dummy: she always Googles her dates before she meets them, in case their axe murderers, rapists, or...(gasp)...without an online presence, which is a red flag in and of itself these days.]

So, as Mr Fantastic is late for this dinner date, she finds herself with a few spare moments to check around the internet for any signs of freakishness.  And it's not what she finds that gives her pause, it's what she doesnt:

No divorce filing.  But wait, she thinks, he told me he was divorced...

Mr. Fantastic finally shows up and after a bit of small talk, she cuts right to it:

Her: What state were you divorced in?
Him: Minnesota.
Her: Really?  'Cause there's no court record of it anywhere.  Not even an initial filing.
Him: Well...umm....
Her: Are you divorced or not?
Him: Well, in my mind, I am.

......Annnnnnd....SCENE.  She paid the bill (since there's no sense in owing a guy dinner) and was out the door.

Integrity?  Naw. 
Honor?  Nope. 
Fully-engulfed, flaming pants on a liar?  You betcha!