Chasing Unicorns

A few days ago, someone told me that my search for a partner is like "chasing a unicorn" - the implication being that I'll never find it and I'll never be happy. It got me thinking...

I looked at my ideal: is he out there? Is my dream guy a mythical creature leaping through a rainbow-colored ether, never to be found by humans? It's been six years post-divorce, so I weighed the question carefully. Plenty of my friends have gotten married or even remarried in the time I've spent dating. But having been burned by divorce, I also think that doing my due diligence in dating is time well spent. There's a lot more at stake than when I was in my early 20s, not the least of which is because now I have my children and they deserve nothing short of the best. My oldest is 12 and his sister is 10; in these years, we've formed a pattern of functioning in this household. The three of us pile into my bed to watch movies, we talk politics at the dinner table, we have inside jokes. Adding a boyfriend is going to be complicated, and I need to make sure that I've chosen someone who is going to complement us.

The other thing is this: elsewhere in life, we're encouraged to develop a dream or a goal and then strive to attain it. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" is probably one of the most common questions in the world. We're prompted from a young age to decide what we want--that's a key word here. So I think we should be applying the same logic to finding a mate--what do I want, who do I want? Unfortunately, women are often told to be grateful for what we have. "He's good to you" or "He's got money...he'll take care of you" or "He's a provider." True - these are all wonderful traits, much to be desired, and a partner should definitely be those things. But he should also be a match in so many other ways: common dreams, a shared sense of life direction, similar parenting styles, a good conversationalist.....the list goes on.

Through these years of the trial-and-error game called dating, I've learned this: it's okay to decide on what you want and then pursue it. Chase that dream, just as you chased other dreams in life. It's no less important. 

So what am I really looking for? In a non-election year, I'd say George Clooney, but this year he's supporting Hillary and I already caucused for Bernie...so that's a no-go....(hahaha!)

Truly, though, it's a challenging but fair question. Honestly, I'd probably have an easier time ticking off what historically hasn't work, rather than shaping an ideal of what I'm looking for. The world is filled with "relationship extremists"--the crazies that are armed with lies meant to blow up your life. On one end, there's the Sociopath: the guy who says anything to get laid. He'll say he's divorced or that he loves kittens--whatever it is that you need to hear. He'll read you like a book but he'll lack empathy. On the other end, there's the Klingons: those guys that wear their hearts on their sleeves and invade your space bubble. They're the ones saying the "L" word by the third date. Be wary of each, for both are perilous to your autonomy.

My unicorn lies somewhere in the middle between these landmines that dot the landscape. I don't know what he looks like, or where he is, but I'm optimistic enough to believe in him. My person--the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, my emergency contact, my first phone call, my cuddle buddy and my in-house challenger-in-chief--is out there in the messiness called life. And that's why I date.

Hearts + Clovers

Every once in a while, luck happens.  You catch all the green lights, a stranger buys your coffee, you win on a pull-tab...luck is mysterious--nearly as mysterious as romance.  Cupid plays some funny games, which is why we have to keep our sense of humor when it comes to dating.

That chubby little mythical baby might have done something right this time, though.  With St. Patrick's Day approaching, and Valentines' Day just barely behind us, maybe the hearts blended with the four-leaf clovers and...

VOILA!  He appeared.

THE Him.  The Him that every woman wants to meet, hopes she will meet, prays she will meet from the time she is a little girl.  Mr. Greek God himself.  When I first saw him, I was just out with some friends, not expecting to find anyone even remotely interesting.  When he caught my eye, I felt my heart jump.  I smiled shyly, not sure what I was even doing.  When he came over to talk to me, the noisy world around us melted away...it was like going from bustling Times Square to a quiet, flower-filled meadow inside of a few seconds. 

We flirted, we exchanged names, numbers, and a small kiss...then he left for the night.

But lest you, dear reader, think that he was going to turn out to be a dud (much as I was thinking for the first twenty minutes after he left)...my phone chirped and there it was: 

"Was good 2 meet u!"

A ridiculously huge smile spread across my face.  My heart rate quickened and I closed my eyes.  My first thoughts?

This one doesn't play games!  He's honest!

Maybe everything I've been writing about with regard to the Rules of the Game only applies when it's not a match.  When it's a truly mutual match--when there's that real electricity shared between the two of you--rules and games just sort of disappear.

In the intervening days since we met, he's proved to be as wonderful as I had hoped he would be.  Random, mid-day text messages to say that he's thinking about me, a few beautiful dates filled with laughter, honest questions, and real conversation.  His blue-green eyes sparkle when he laughs after he's teased me, his hard, strong arms wrap around me when he pulls me in for a soft, sweet kiss, and I get butterflies in my tummy even when we're just sitting on the couch talking.  

Where this will lead is anyone's guess...there are complexities in our lives that may inhibit growth...but I refuse to believe that what's meant to be would cease to be just because of a few obstacles.  I am enjoying the time we're sharing and time will tell what will develop.  I believe in hope and in love...and I'm learning to have faith in God's plan for me.    

Have a little faith in me....

Faith.  It seems like we talk about it all the time: keeping the faith, having faith, believing in faith to get through a rough patch.

But what does that really even mean?  How do we define this one word that carries so much weight, particularly when times are tough?

For starters, I consulted Google--the foremost authority on all matters, right?  (Or, at least, it is to my generation!)

 

"Complete trust or confidence in someone or something"?  Yikes!  That sounds so....huge.   Can we settle for partial trust or confidence?  

But in matters of the heart, we can't really settle at all.  It's an all-or-nothing proposal when it comes to love.  You can't sort of love someone.  You can't half-ass a relationship and get good results.  You can't have some form of Faith Lite and expect that the Universe will honor it when you can't be bothered to commit.

When people make mistakes, as they're bound to do, forgiveness is really only the first step.  What I have realized it that there is this important second step called faith.  Faith in the power of someone to grow from his mistake, to adjust his course, and to right the wrong over time.  Forgiveness seems almost to be the easy part; the hard part is to have the faith to believe when there is no evidence to support it.  

For as a person who believes in empirical data, as a person who lives in a world where statistics and quantitative analysis can make (or break) a case decisively, having faith in the unseen and unshown requires superhuman mental strength.  It's a daily exercise to believe in something for which there is little to no proof.

And while I'm far from a religious person, I do like to believe that the Bible holds some gems of truth.  Among them, this:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Hebrews 11:1 

Even 2000+ years ago, people struggled with the idea of faith.  And they wrote about it, imploring generations to come to keep hopeful and confident, even when there is no tangible reason to do so.

Years later, the dear Saint Mother Teresa underscored these teachings and reminded us of this:

Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. 

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Other religions remark upon the power of faith as well:

And those who believe and do good are made to enter gardens.

Surah Ibrahim, Verse 23 of the Quran

On the long journey of human life, faith is the best of companions.

Buddha

And so I wonder: who am I to disbelieve what wise people through the years, across cultures, and in varying conditions, have told us is virtuous and beneficial?

While I am struggling to accept the love that is in front of me, I am finding it way harder to establish faith.  But without one, there cannot be the other.  A love that is not supported by hope and faith will not be a lasting love.  And a faith that is not embedded in a love is nothing more than a wish.

So now I settle my rapidly beating heart and quell the anxiety.  I inhale peace and turn myself over to the unseen, allowing love and faith into my soul.  It's the only way forward.