To open the door or not...that is the question....

Chivalry.  Most of us commonly think of it as those small courtesies that men extend toward women during courtship: opening doors, bringing flowers, or pulling out a chair for her at the table.  In other words--that thing that most men don't do anymore.  I've been thinking a lot lately about why that might be.  Is chivalry really dead?  Did feminism kill it?

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of a truly fantastic first date.  As we made plans for our night out, I was truly thrilled at his offer to pick me up.  (For those of you who haven't been on the dating scene in the last five to ten years, you have no idea what a rarity this is.)  He arrived at my door clean and handsome in a pressed shirt and a nervous, boyish smile on his face.  I will never forget that moment, because it was the moment that my own nerves melted away and my heart started skipping beats.  As we left for dinner, I couldn't help but notice that as he gallantly opened the passenger door, making sure I was safely tucked in before he closed it behind me, his car was sparkling clean.  It's the details, I thought.

Even if the rest of the date had gone to hell after this (which, by the way, it didn't!), the small courtesies extended inside of the first ten minutes of our date showed me a great deal of respect.  Clearly, he had taken some time to prepare and to make sure that I knew he appreciated me and our time together.

So how does my sense of feminist equity interplay with my desire for a chivalrous man?  Can the two co-exist?  In a word, yes.  But that's a very loaded-up word.

Chivalry is really nothing more than polite behavior toward women.  I believe it's a time-honored tradition of recognizing the other and behaving with deference and decorum.  Just like we hold the door open behind us for total strangers out of a sense of good manners, a man opening the car door for me tells me that he is aware of me and wants to be respectful.  That doesn't mean that a man thinks of me as less.  And maybe it even means that he thinks more of me.

While it's true that men and women should be equal in many ways, this does not mean that they are the same or should be treated the same in all situations.  For instance, my bestie prefers to talk on the phone rather than text.  As her friend, I adapt to that and do my best to meet her preference because I value her needs and wants, even though I prefer to text message.  That doesn't make us unequal - it just makes us different.  The same is true with regard to chivalry: if I prefer that a man open my car door as a sign of respect, that doesn't automatically make our relationship unequal.

Feminism has impacted many parts of American society.  Since the 1970's, when women increasingly became employed outside the home, couples have had to work through how to divide household labor (see this NY Times article and this Wall Street Journal piece).  The 1990's saw the inclusion of paternity leave to fathers who want to stay home with newborns under the federal Family & Medical Leave Act (FMLA).  Today, we continue to debate how to meet the needs of our families when both parents work - and not just in jobs, but in careers where we are invested and fulfilled.  In the past few years, women are making bold statements about the state of feminism in America--important businesswomen like Facebook's chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, and Yahoo's CEO, Marissa Mayer.  These conversations are important to all of us - men and women alike.

But while feminism has its role in our public policy debates, it may or may not have a role in our intimate relationships.  It's up to each of us to decide.  The most wonderful thing about people is that we are all unique beings, with our own set of wants, needs, and desires.  Where I want a man who behaves with chivalry, another woman may not.  To be sure, that makes for a confusing dating scene, but it's really just another part of the game of finding the person that you want to be with.  So take a deep breath and enjoy the ride!  This is life, and it's beautifully messy.

Love Thyself

As we all know, a key part of dating is about attractiveness.  How we feel about ourselves and our bodies, the confidence we draw (or don't draw) from how we appear, and what we think our partners are looking for all impacts our relationships.  I am inviting you to an honest conversation on body image...and I'll even go first.

Like most women, I struggle with how I look.  I am constantly judging myself: sneaking glimpses in window reflections, measuring myself against women on television, and spending excess time in the bathroom examining my pores.  I have a ballerina's build that has stuck with me even though I haven't danced since I was in college: a small bustline and muscular legs that NEVER fit quite right into skinny jeans.  My figure is boyishly straight.  I have hazel-green eyes, pale skin, and dark chocolate brown hair.  I'm an all-American mutt--a true mix of western European ancestry with no distinguishing characteristics.  

By contrast, my best friend is curvy in all the right places.  She's about 5'6" tall, with a perfect hourglass figure and thin legs.  Her American Indian heritage is beautifully captured in her long black hair, soft olive skin, and deep brown eyes.  Without a doubt, she is exotic.

In spite of this, I can easily remember a dozen times in the last few months when we would trash ourselves and complain about various aspects of our bodies.  We're constantly "on a diet"--a condition shared by a majority of women.  One British study found that women spend 31 years of their lives on a diet, compared to 28 years for men.  Each diet lasted just five and a half weeks.  

While I'm not advocating we just abandon trying to get healthy, I do have to wonder if all this "dieting" is good for us--physically and emotionally?  

I was watching tv this morning and it seemed like every other commercial was an advertisement for a health-related product: probiotics, weight-loss supplements, cleanses...the list goes on.  While I conscientiously avoid fashion magazines to avoid feeling like I have to compare myself to waif-thin models, I feel barraged by the media and ad moguls reminding me about diets.  Am I supposed to be on a diet? I wonder anxiously.  Am I healthy enough?  Maybe I can diet away these tree-trunk legs...

The truth is, my weight is fine.  My body mass index is fine.  I could tone up a little more, but the reality is that most of us fall into that category.  The bottom line is that we are exposed to this culture of dieting not only because America, in general terms, has an obesity problem, but also because there's considerable money to be made from it.  Did you know that Americans spend $40 million each year on diet-related products?  And yet the obesity rate has been climbing steadily since the mid-1980's.  On the other end of the spectrum, an estimated 8 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder, with almost 90% of them women.  Treatment for eating disorders can range from $500-$2000 per day.  What if we saved our dollars...and just stopped the war on our bodies and self-esteem?

And why do we try so hard to be so thin?  Arguably, it's not as much for the health of our bodies as it is an attempt to find social acceptance, especially from the opposite sex.  Women truly believe that men are more attracted to very thin women.

To that end, an article in Psychology Today magazine presents a compelling discussion on what men actually find attractive.  According to the piece, co-written by two medical doctors who have studied why women need body fat, men actually don't find ultra-thin women more attractive.  They cite the fact that the average Playboy model is 5'6" and 115 pounds, with a BMI between 18-19.  While that may seem light, compare it to the average fashion model that has a BMI of 17.1, while almost half of all models have a BMI under 17--grossly underweight according to the Centers for Disease Control.  If men were attracted to extremely thin women, wouldn't Playboy magazine capitalize on that?

Dove Beauty Campaign recently published a video wherein seven women described themselves to FBI sketch artist Gil Zamora.  A second sketch was then compiled by the sketch artist, but this time as described by a stranger who had spent time earlier in the day with the women.  The two sketches produced marked differences and underscored the point that, as Dove says, "you're more beautiful than you think."  Watch the video here.

So the next time you're standing in front of the bathroom mirror practicing sucking in your stomach (c'mon, I'm not the only one who does that!)...maybe just cut yourself a small break.  Just once.  And then think about how much better it feels to love yourself than to hate some perceived "flaws."  Because what you think might not be the way others see you.  Only 4% of women in this world consider themselves beautiful.  I personally KNOW that more than 4% of the people that I see are beautiful.  

Including you.

feedback always welcome!

leahc168@gmail.com

What is Romance?

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to spend a few days with a great group of women.  We rented a house at a resort with the intent to pamper ourselves in the spa and spend time relaxing.  As herds of women are prone to do, we took turns dishing about the various men in our lives: what he did or didn't do, how that made us feel, what we loved and what could be better.  By the time we left on Sunday, I realized there was one main theme: Communication.

I spent the next two days talking with other friends--men and women alike--trying to define this mysterious "communication" thing.  Someone referred to it as romance, and that got me thinking: What is romance?

Romance is often intangible as a concept, but it can be found hidden in the small token efforts that make the other person feel cared for.  These little offerings--communications--tell the other person that they are valued.  Throughout all of our conversations this weekend, my girlfriends consistently indicated that what they missed in their long-term relationships were these seemingly almost-meaningless expressions of care.  The wake-up text message or a cup of coffee and a note in the kitchen can often mean more than an expensive dinner or a bouquet of roses.  

I've spent a lot of time talking with friends who are divorced, near divorce, or actively going through divorce right now.  I encourage them to take a look at their relationships and find out what went wrong.  Often, I hear that one or both partners forgot to take time out for the relationship--that the dishes piled up, the kids needed to go to soccer/hockey/gymnastics practice, that work became a priority...or that these distractions even eventually became an escape.  When we fail to kiss goodnight or say good morning, the partnership begins to die.  Relationships are built on those small moments and minor expressions of care; there is no substitute for making a daily connection with our partner.

Someone told me that he defined romance as "the desire to bare one's true self to another...[which] achieves a greater sense of euphoria (love)."  This incredible sense of personal vulnerability inevitably ties us to our partners; recognizing and respecting this naked exposure creates a bond that can never be undone.

One of my friends has been in an on-again, off-again pseudo-relationship. Without a doubt, they love each other, but external negative circumstances always seem to nose their way in, causing disruption and instigating arguments.  Whenever this happens, she will ask me the eternal question: "Why do I love him?"  For a long time, I had no answer.  Now I know: it's because you know what is in each other's hearts.  You've each been vulnerable, you've allowed each other into the most secret places of your soul...and you can't undo that confession.

Sometimes I think that we are more polite to strangers on the street than those living under our own roofs.  How many of us will force a smile for the barista at Starbucks, but then come home and grump to our partners--or worse, breeze by them without saying a word?  While our homes and relationships should be a safe place to talk through problems and experience frustrations, we can't do so to the exclusion of purposefully creating good times, too.  A short text message to say "I know it's tough at work today...hope you have a good day though!" can only create love and happiness in the other person, even if it's just a tiny spark.  It only takes a single spark to ignite a fire.


Fire is risky, and not without its dangers.  But the greatest risk can offer the greatest reward.  Even if you don't know if the gesture will be returned, what have you really lost by trying?  I challenge you to do something that would surprise your partner and put an unplanned smile on his/her face...to do something that you used to do but have since forgotten due to the daily demands of life.  It doesn't have to big grand or intense...but it does need to be authentic and meaningful...try to recall what is in your partner's heart, and speak to it.  

A Bear Named....

My daughter's seventh birthday was last week--her GOLDEN birthday, as she's quick to point out to just about everyone, including the hot guy at Lululemon.  (I guess he's not into single moms, since he declined to ask for my phone number.  His loss.)  Anyway...oh, to be that excited about birthdays again!  As part of her celebration, we went to the Build-A-Bear Workshop: a childhood fan favorite.  Pick an unstuffed teddy bear, stuff it, fluff it, clothe it, name it, and VOILA! a best friend for life is born.

It got me thinking...what if we could just design partner that easily!?

At Build-A-Bear, they do a cute little ritual: pick a small stuffed heart to put inside your bear before he's stuffed.  But before you haphazardly toss that little gem in there, you have to:

• Kiss the heart, so the bear knows he's loved
• Rub it on your forehead, so he's smart
• Touch it to your funny bone, so he has a sense of humor
• Tap it to your ear, so that he's a good listener
• Pat it on your tummy so he's never hungry 

...and a bunch of other cutesy, catchy little acts.  Man!  What if I could do that to a guy?!  I could custom-build a man who is smart, loving, and funny...I even get to make sure there's  a heart inside there!  Then I could take him home, tuck him into bed with me and we would live happily ever after.  Ta-da!

Oh, to dream....

Instead, I built myself a green, clover-themed stuffy.  I gave him a Harley-Davidson bandana and named him Lucky Fat Boy.

I guess that will have to suffice until science catches up....  :)