A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of a truly fantastic first date. As we made plans for our night out, I was truly thrilled at his offer to pick me up. (For those of you who haven't been on the dating scene in the last five to ten years, you have no idea what a rarity this is.) He arrived at my door clean and handsome in a pressed shirt and a nervous, boyish smile on his face. I will never forget that moment, because it was the moment that my own nerves melted away and my heart started skipping beats. As we left for dinner, I couldn't help but notice that as he gallantly opened the passenger door, making sure I was safely tucked in before he closed it behind me, his car was sparkling clean. It's the details, I thought.
Even if the rest of the date had gone to hell after this (which, by the way, it didn't!), the small courtesies extended inside of the first ten minutes of our date showed me a great deal of respect. Clearly, he had taken some time to prepare and to make sure that I knew he appreciated me and our time together.
So how does my sense of feminist equity interplay with my desire for a chivalrous man? Can the two co-exist? In a word, yes. But that's a very loaded-up word.
Chivalry is really nothing more than polite behavior toward women. I believe it's a time-honored tradition of recognizing the other and behaving with deference and decorum. Just like we hold the door open behind us for total strangers out of a sense of good manners, a man opening the car door for me tells me that he is aware of me and wants to be respectful. That doesn't mean that a man thinks of me as less. And maybe it even means that he thinks more of me.
While it's true that men and women should be equal in many ways, this does not mean that they are the same or should be treated the same in all situations. For instance, my bestie prefers to talk on the phone rather than text. As her friend, I adapt to that and do my best to meet her preference because I value her needs and wants, even though I prefer to text message. That doesn't make us unequal - it just makes us different. The same is true with regard to chivalry: if I prefer that a man open my car door as a sign of respect, that doesn't automatically make our relationship unequal.
Feminism has impacted many parts of American society. Since the 1970's, when women increasingly became employed outside the home, couples have had to work through how to divide household labor (see this NY Times article and this Wall Street Journal piece). The 1990's saw the inclusion of paternity leave to fathers who want to stay home with newborns under the federal Family & Medical Leave Act (FMLA). Today, we continue to debate how to meet the needs of our families when both parents work - and not just in jobs, but in careers where we are invested and fulfilled. In the past few years, women are making bold statements about the state of feminism in America--important businesswomen like Facebook's chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, and Yahoo's CEO, Marissa Mayer. These conversations are important to all of us - men and women alike.
But while feminism has its role in our public policy debates, it may or may not have a role in our intimate relationships. It's up to each of us to decide. The most wonderful thing about people is that we are all unique beings, with our own set of wants, needs, and desires. Where I want a man who behaves with chivalry, another woman may not. To be sure, that makes for a confusing dating scene, but it's really just another part of the game of finding the person that you want to be with. So take a deep breath and enjoy the ride! This is life, and it's beautifully messy.
No comments:
Post a Comment