But pretty soon, your friends grow tired of hearing about your budding romance. They want to talk about other things - after all, the world has continued to spin on its axis in spite of your blissful unawareness. If you don't tune in and miss their cues, you risk alienating your allies...the very friends you just may need if (when!) you fall from this man-made heaven.As I was researching material for this post, I searched the internet for the phrase "balance boyfriend and friends." Google presented me with the usual ga-jillion hits, only the first ten of which I perused. Seventeen magazine summed it up perfectly: "When you're going out with a guy, it can be hard to find time for both your BF and your BFFs." In teen-speak, that seemed succinct, if not also slightly vapid and vaguely juvenile for this audience.
I tried again, searching "balance friends and relationship" - this turned up a far more diverse offering of online self-help. Evidently this problem is not unique to any particular demographic:
- The Root, a leading African-American publication, headlined their piece:
Ask Demetria: If time spent with a new boo is alienating your homies, try to find a happy medium.
- Ask Men, an online men's magazine, proffered this tidbit on its page:
Don't Let Your Girlfriend
Sabotage Your Friendships
- Psychology Today took a somewhat sexist turn on things:
Once a dating relationship grows and deepens in intimacy, a man is faced with the temptation to isolate from his friends and family and devote all his time and energy to his committed lover. As many women already know, if you want to keep your life in balance, you must must keep same sex friendships a priority.
Clearly, this topic touches a nerve with us. And it does with me, too, on a personal level. A friend of mine has recently lost herself in her boyfriend, surfacing only when he is otherwise engaged at work or with family. Her behavior is incredibly hurtful--simultaneously both demoralizing and angering in a "why am I not enough?"-kind of way.
When I took a step back from my emotions, I came to two important realizations, though. The first is that she is very vulnerable in this relationship with her boyfriend, for reasons I will not detail here. As a way to counteract that, she is spending all available time with him to try to feel connected and establish that crucial bond. It is not my place to pass judgment on that. The second point is that I've done it, too...and I am in no place to get upset at anyone else. I remember that after I was newly married, I lost touch with a great many friends because I wanted to spend all my time with my husband. Eventually, we became estranged from others and were quite lonely both as individuals and as a couple. It was a serious lesson to me not to lose sight of that balance. It's not easy, but it's completely necessary to the health of yourself and your relationship.
WebMD posted a very interesting piece on why friends are actually good for our health. Forming solid connections through friendships with people has been strongly correlated with good health and longevity. Dr. Tasha R. Howe, a psychology professor at Humboldt State University in California, says that "people with social support have fewer cardiovascular problems and immune problems, and lower levels of cortisol -- a stress hormone." The logic is based in evolution: we are social animals, having formed groups out of sheer survival need. When we have friends, our bodies are less stressed out because they are not fighting natural instinct. Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, of Brigham Young University, says the evidence is clear: "One thing research shows is that as one's social network gets smaller, one's risk for mortality increases."
Having a support network of friends is clearly beneficial. That's why it is so important for us to make new friends and keep the old--including adding new boy/girlfriends, while maintaining our previous close friendships.
- Psychology Today took a somewhat sexist turn on things:
Once a dating relationship grows and deepens in intimacy, a man is faced with the temptation to isolate from his friends and family and devote all his time and energy to his committed lover. As many women already know, if you want to keep your life in balance, you must must keep same sex friendships a priority.
Clearly, this topic touches a nerve with us. And it does with me, too, on a personal level. A friend of mine has recently lost herself in her boyfriend, surfacing only when he is otherwise engaged at work or with family. Her behavior is incredibly hurtful--simultaneously both demoralizing and angering in a "why am I not enough?"-kind of way.
When I took a step back from my emotions, I came to two important realizations, though. The first is that she is very vulnerable in this relationship with her boyfriend, for reasons I will not detail here. As a way to counteract that, she is spending all available time with him to try to feel connected and establish that crucial bond. It is not my place to pass judgment on that. The second point is that I've done it, too...and I am in no place to get upset at anyone else. I remember that after I was newly married, I lost touch with a great many friends because I wanted to spend all my time with my husband. Eventually, we became estranged from others and were quite lonely both as individuals and as a couple. It was a serious lesson to me not to lose sight of that balance. It's not easy, but it's completely necessary to the health of yourself and your relationship.
WebMD posted a very interesting piece on why friends are actually good for our health. Forming solid connections through friendships with people has been strongly correlated with good health and longevity. Dr. Tasha R. Howe, a psychology professor at Humboldt State University in California, says that "people with social support have fewer cardiovascular problems and immune problems, and lower levels of cortisol -- a stress hormone." The logic is based in evolution: we are social animals, having formed groups out of sheer survival need. When we have friends, our bodies are less stressed out because they are not fighting natural instinct. Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, of Brigham Young University, says the evidence is clear: "One thing research shows is that as one's social network gets smaller, one's risk for mortality increases."
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