Around midnight, we descended on a St. Paul hot spot called Wild Onion. As the girls headed out to the dance floor, I hung back to survey the crowd. Within two minutes, the Creepazoid was at my side.
"Hi! I'm Eric." (Or is it Erik? Or Erick? Erich? I didn't ask.)
I stared blankly at him. Who was this creature? Was I in a 1996 time-warp? He wore a plain blue v-neck t-shirt that was two sizes too small, a heavy silver chain necklace, and gel-spiked hair.
"I love Spice Girls! Let's go dance!" he yelled in my ear. What guy says that?! For that matter, what girl in a post-Y2K world would say that?! It should also be noted that he was quick to tell me that he was sober--doesn't drink--and that he was there alone. Red flag! Red flag!
Before I knew it, I was on the dance floor, trying mightily to keep a healthy distance between me and the Creepazoid. I quickly located my gal pals and gave them the pleading "help-me-out-here" eyes. They laughed at my misfortune and we tried to make our escape from the him.Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. When we found a table to sit at, he squeezed right in next to me in the booth. He was not to be deterred by our girl talk or blatant texting to each other about his obnoxious behavior. To quote Vince Vaughn's character in "Wedding Crashers"...we had a Stage Five Clinger. As other guys came up to try to talk to us, he brushed them off and whispered to me that they were "number two" to him. To say I was horrified is to put it mildly.
Anyone who knows me at all knows that I HATE being a possession. Being owned. Being caged. It makes my innards queasy. And it made me think: what is the right amount of "possession" in a relationship? Where do we draw the line between "we" and "I"?
Earlier in the day yesterday, I had coffee with a dear friend who is in the beginning stages of divorce. As we talked about our failed marriages, we found that we had both struggled with how much of ourselves to turn over to our partners. At the beginning my marriage, I neglected my friends and my personal needs in order to be with him, (wrongly) thinking that doing so would make our relationship stronger. But instead, I lost sight of who I was and what I needed, which was a contributing factor to the failure of the marriage.
An article in Psychology Today discusses this very issue, and urges partners to find ways to communicate regarding personal space needs. Failure to communicate the needs can foster a breeding ground for "negative feelings: rejection, insecurity, jealousy, mistrust, and resentment." When one partner moves away without telling the other what (s)he's up to, even when the motives are pure, it can cause a rift in the relationship. Talking about space needs before it becomes an issue can head off a potential storm.
"Space" is a multi-faceted thing--it comes in many forms. There's emotional space, physical space, and even spiritual space. A failure to provide enough room in one of these areas will likely result in the partner taking space in another form. Dr Vondie Lozano, a California marriage and family therapist, stated in a Wall Street Journal piece on relationships that "if you don't give them their physical space, they will take emotional space."
But when we do give our partners what they need, our relationship is much more likely to thrive. In romantic relationships, we seek to give comfort and increase happiness for the person that we're with. That may come in the form of a good meal, a sweet note, or a thoughtful gift. What if the best gift you can give your partner is the gift of personal space?
Don't make your partner resort to this:
As always...feedback welcome!
leahc168@gmail.com
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