Two to Tango

It's often said that you can't change other people.  Being the creatively-minded person that I am, I thought for sure that I could get around that little rule if I changed myself in order to meet the needs of the relationship.

So imagine my surprise when my perfectly crafted plan washed away like a sandcastle in high tide.

It wasn't like I didn't try.  I worked hard to learn new ways to communicate, to resolve conflict, to caretake his heart and find happiness.  I toned down the sarcasm and spoke plain English about my worries, fears, and troubles.  I told him what I needed when I was hurting.  I told him how to make me happy.  I left him space to be a boy and get in trouble with his buddies.  But the more I did, the more he pulled away and refused to meet me in the middle.

I still don't know why that is.  Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, maybe it was the poor circumstances of our relationship.  I do know this: I could try to write up an after-action report and dissect each moment, searching forensically for guilt or absolution.  Or I could move on, taking lessons where they appear naturally and finding peace in the future, rather than sorrow in the past.

One clear-cut lesson is this: it takes two to tango.  You can't drag your partner around the dance floor, hoping that he'll pick up the steps in a song or two.  You can't just yank him up out of that chair and lead him to the floor; disaster is sure to ensue in that scenario.  If he doesn't want to be there, you'll only end up tripping over each other and you may even get seriously hurt in a fall.

Sometimes, partners are afraid to tell us "no" - so they go through the motions.  But that's equally as dangerous, because it lures us into false security.  When he's going through the motions, he's not really listening to the music...and the next thing you know, he missed the uptick in tempo, you trip and fall, and he just turns and walks off the dance floor.

If he's late to the dance on a consistent basis, that bears examination as well.  My last partner gave me many signs--a lot of which I missed because I wasn't ready to face them.  One big sign was his consistent inability to show up on time--or sometimes, show up at all.  It should've been the single biggest "he's-just-not-that-into-you" sign of all, but I refused to see it for what it was.  Instead, I would scold him, he'd apologize and promise to do better...and then he'd fail again within a few weeks.  If someone doesn't want to be at the dance, isn't that telling you something about the status of your relationship?  Above all, your partner should look forward to spending time with you.

I am sure that in due time, other lessons from this latest flop will become apparent.  I like to think that failure isn't such a bad thing--that learning from bad experiences is a success of sorts.  I am still working all that out--and trying to do so without letting it drag me down emotionally.  This is a big task.

There is a great TED talk given by Kathryn Schulz about failure--about what happens when we're wrong and how it feels when we think we're right.  I encourage you to spend 15 minutes and watch it:
http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_on_being_wrong.html