The first gut punch came when my ex-husband moved in with his girlfriend last fall. It was a reality check: he's really moved on. As much as I had moved on too, there was a small part of me--however ridiculous--that was hurt that he was over me. Call it foolish pride.
In the ensuing months, there have been other difficult moments: my kids talking about their "new" grandparents (the girlfriend's parents), the call that came from the girlfriend that my daughter had to have stitches, my ex-husband coaching her son's basketball team. All small matters, but weighty despite their size.
Yesterday, when I picked up my seven-year-old daughter from her dad's house, she was bursting with news.
"Guess what!" she exclaimed, her eyes shining. "Terri got engaged! To Dad!"
I blinked hard, not quite sure I had heard her right. "Dad asked Terri to marry him?" I asked incredulously.
"Yep! And Dad says we could call Terri 'Mom' now," she reported importantly.
"No. Absolutely not," I tartly responded, more harshly than I had intended. I tried again: "I don't think that's appropriate, honey. You have a mom; Terri's more like a bonus caring adult in your life." We attempted to talk this through, but the moment was wrong--and so was my attitude.
Because what wasn't being said, what I couldn't tell my young daughter, was that I was sad. But I couldn't wrap my mind around why. I swallowed hard over the unpleasant emotional bile, changed the topic of conversation, and drove on to her softball game.
Later that night, as I settled into bed, my mind returned to my ex and his girlfriend. Fiancee, I corrected myself. Why did that feel so uncomfortable? Why was my mouth twisted into a grimace at the thought? Even now, a day later, my face is still contorted as I sit here writing.
I finally realized that I am resentful because he has achieved success....and I am struggling. Since our separation over three years ago, I have lost my job, moved three times, and floundered in relationships. He has kept his job, moved up in housing conditions, and found a steady love. While I don't aspire for the things he does--a house in the suburbs, teeming with children (hers and ours)--I do have goals that have yet to be realized, and I'm frustrated. His success underscores my own failures.
Navigating change is tricky. Accepting change is even harder. There is no book on how to interact with your ex-spouse, or at least none that I'm aware of. All of us have different relationships with our exes--even among my circle of girlfriends. Some of my friends' relationships are highly antagonistic, some are superficially polite, and still others have maintained a friendship of sorts. But the thread of commonality is that change has occurred--a divorce--and a new set of circumstances has arisen, one that requires us to be emotionally adaptable.
I know I shouldn't compare my life to anyone else's, but when the chips are down, it's hard not to look around and covet what I see. The last few years haven't been for naught: I am almost done with a Master's degree and I have been a part of my children's lives in ways that I couldn't be if I was working full-time. Still, I'm ready for the next phase of my life--ready for the challenges and the joys of a career, a love, and a home.
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