Ghost stories

The latest heartbreak was one that I never saw coming - never expected his arrival, and surely didn't expect his retreat.  I didn't even want to write about this one, but my fingers are typing and I'm thinking...and sometimes I don't even know what I think until I see it here on the screen in front of me.  So bear with this cathartic post, and maybe you'll even find a bit of your own life in it.

When we met, it was purely for professional reasons: I had been put in contact with him as someone that I should network with.  But in the course of that first informational interview, we found ourselves connecting beyond public policy issues.  As I watched him leave an hour later, I felt like my life had just changed for the better.

Our second meeting - a "follow-up" networking meeting - was even less professional.  We talked and giggled and joked and I couldn't help but notice how his eyes shone brightly and how his smile made my heart beat faster.  

A few hours later, my phone chirped and when I saw his text message asking me to dinner on Friday night, I felt elated.  That dinner, and the ensuing four weeks, were incredible.  I fell hard and fast for him.  We spent countless hours talking about our lives: children, divorces, shared interests and passions.  We covered law and politics, teased each other with vocabulary known only to policy wonks like us, and then laughed at our own nerd-ishness.  It wasn't uncommon for time to get away from us and to notice that it was after 1:00 am on a work night or that we had been on the phone for over an hour. 

But what we didn't talk about was the important stuff--how our past relationships and attendant vulnerabilities would affect a future relationship.  Like all divorcees, we both had raw, scraped-up hearts and when the Ghosts of Relationships Past floated up to create a wedge between us, we didn't know how to handle it.  In the end, the failure to talk about what really mattered was our undoing.

So for the past few weeks, I've been walking around in a daze - things remind me of him and the wound breaks open again.  It's hard to believe that I could miss someone like this when the relationship was so brief, but there it is.  There is so much I wish I could go back and change and undo - and that is the worst part of all.  I rarely carry around regret; I find the word itself to be ugly and the emotion to be not worth its weight.  But this time, I am full of regret for words left unsaid, words said in haste, words borne of past hurt.  When I find the courage to meet my own eyes in the mirror, I hate that they are full of remorse and sorrow.

Driving in to work today, I heard a song on the radio - one I'd never heard before, one that gave me pause and changed my mood. 

Maggie Rose, a relative newcomer to the country music scene, just released a song called "Better."  The melody is so-so, but the lyrics are heart-wrenching.

I just want to feel good, feel alright

Feel anything but what I feel tonight.

I just want to feel better

Music has the power to change us.  I wasn't sure I wanted to even download the song because it hit me so profoundly, but since the song was already in my heart, I gave up the fight and forked over $1.29 to iTunes. 

I just want to feel better.  Lift the heaviness from my chest, stop the flow of tears that randomly escape at inopportune moments.  Feel anything but what I feel tonight.  Why can't there be a medication that could make it all go away?

But the bad feelings are what make us human, make us alive and maybe even make us appreciate the good moments.  Pain has a purpose - it signals that something is wrong and needs attention.  Heartache is no different.  I have the hardest work of all to do: heal my heart so that the Ghosts of Relationships Past can no longer haunt me.

"The challenge is to learn from the past without giving up our innocence." --Tammie Carino

Girlfriends, boyfriends, and what lies between them

Don't you just love those first few months of a relationship when everything is all sparkly and shiny?  You spend your days walking on air and the whole world seems a little softer around the edges.  You crave time with that special person and turn to texting, talking, Facebooking, and tweeting to fill the gaps between dates.  You crow to anyone that will listen about how great (s)he is: how perfect, how charming, how funny! (giggle!)

But pretty soon, your friends grow tired of hearing about your budding romance.  They want to talk about other things - after all, the world has continued to spin on its axis in spite of your blissful unawareness.  If you don't tune in and miss their cues, you risk alienating your allies...the very friends you just may need if (when!) you fall from this man-made heaven.

As I was researching material for this post, I searched the internet for the phrase "balance boyfriend and friends."  Google presented me with the usual ga-jillion hits, only the first ten of which I perused.  Seventeen magazine summed it up perfectly: "When you're going out with a guy, it can be hard to find time for both your BF and your BFFs."  In teen-speak, that seemed succinct, if not also slightly vapid and vaguely juvenile for this audience.

I tried again, searching "balance friends and relationship" - this turned up a far more diverse offering of online self-help.  Evidently this problem is not unique to any particular demographic:

• The Root, a leading African-American publication, headlined their piece:

Ask Demetria: If time spent with a new boo is alienating your homies, try to find a happy medium.

• Ask Men, an online men's magazine, proffered this tidbit on its page:

Don't Let Your Girlfriend

Sabotage Your Friendships

• Psychology Today took a somewhat sexist turn on things:

Once a dating relationship grows and deepens in intimacy, a man is faced with the temptation to isolate from his friends and family and devote all his time and energy to his committed lover. As many women already know, if you want to keep your life in balance, you must must keep same sex friendships a priority. 

Clearly, this topic touches a nerve with us.  And it does with me, too, on a personal level.  A friend of mine has recently lost herself in her boyfriend, surfacing only when he is otherwise engaged at work or with family.  Her behavior is incredibly hurtful--simultaneously both demoralizing and angering in a "why am I not enough?"-kind of way.

When I took a step back from my emotions, I came to two important realizations, though.  The first is that she is very vulnerable in this relationship with her boyfriend, for reasons I will not detail here.  As a way to counteract that, she is spending all available time with him to try to feel connected and establish that crucial bond.  It is not my place to pass judgment on that.  The second point is that I've done it, too...and I am in no place to get upset at anyone else.  I remember that after I was newly married, I lost touch with a great many friends because I wanted to spend all my time with my husband.  Eventually, we became estranged from others and were quite lonely both as individuals and as a couple.  It was a serious lesson to me not to lose sight of that balance.  It's not easy, but it's completely necessary to the health of yourself and your relationship.

WebMD posted a very interesting piece on why friends are actually good for our health.  Forming solid connections through friendships with people has been strongly correlated with good health and longevity.  Dr. Tasha R. Howe, a psychology professor at Humboldt State University in California, says that "people with social support have fewer cardiovascular problems and immune problems, and lower levels of cortisol -- a stress hormone."  The logic is based in evolution: we are social animals, having formed groups out of sheer survival need.  When we have friends, our bodies are less stressed out because they are not fighting natural instinct.  Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, of Brigham Young University, says the evidence is clear: "One thing research shows is that as one's social network gets smaller, one's risk for mortality increases." 

Having a support network of friends is clearly beneficial. That's why it is so important for us to make new friends and keep the old--including adding new boy/girlfriends, while maintaining our previous close friendships. 

To open the door or not...that is the question....

Chivalry.  Most of us commonly think of it as those small courtesies that men extend toward women during courtship: opening doors, bringing flowers, or pulling out a chair for her at the table.  In other words--that thing that most men don't do anymore.  I've been thinking a lot lately about why that might be.  Is chivalry really dead?  Did feminism kill it?

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of a truly fantastic first date.  As we made plans for our night out, I was truly thrilled at his offer to pick me up.  (For those of you who haven't been on the dating scene in the last five to ten years, you have no idea what a rarity this is.)  He arrived at my door clean and handsome in a pressed shirt and a nervous, boyish smile on his face.  I will never forget that moment, because it was the moment that my own nerves melted away and my heart started skipping beats.  As we left for dinner, I couldn't help but notice that as he gallantly opened the passenger door, making sure I was safely tucked in before he closed it behind me, his car was sparkling clean.  It's the details, I thought.

Even if the rest of the date had gone to hell after this (which, by the way, it didn't!), the small courtesies extended inside of the first ten minutes of our date showed me a great deal of respect.  Clearly, he had taken some time to prepare and to make sure that I knew he appreciated me and our time together.

So how does my sense of feminist equity interplay with my desire for a chivalrous man?  Can the two co-exist?  In a word, yes.  But that's a very loaded-up word.

Chivalry is really nothing more than polite behavior toward women.  I believe it's a time-honored tradition of recognizing the other and behaving with deference and decorum.  Just like we hold the door open behind us for total strangers out of a sense of good manners, a man opening the car door for me tells me that he is aware of me and wants to be respectful.  That doesn't mean that a man thinks of me as less.  And maybe it even means that he thinks more of me.

While it's true that men and women should be equal in many ways, this does not mean that they are the same or should be treated the same in all situations.  For instance, my bestie prefers to talk on the phone rather than text.  As her friend, I adapt to that and do my best to meet her preference because I value her needs and wants, even though I prefer to text message.  That doesn't make us unequal - it just makes us different.  The same is true with regard to chivalry: if I prefer that a man open my car door as a sign of respect, that doesn't automatically make our relationship unequal.

Feminism has impacted many parts of American society.  Since the 1970's, when women increasingly became employed outside the home, couples have had to work through how to divide household labor (see this NY Times article and this Wall Street Journal piece).  The 1990's saw the inclusion of paternity leave to fathers who want to stay home with newborns under the federal Family & Medical Leave Act (FMLA).  Today, we continue to debate how to meet the needs of our families when both parents work - and not just in jobs, but in careers where we are invested and fulfilled.  In the past few years, women are making bold statements about the state of feminism in America--important businesswomen like Facebook's chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, and Yahoo's CEO, Marissa Mayer.  These conversations are important to all of us - men and women alike.

But while feminism has its role in our public policy debates, it may or may not have a role in our intimate relationships.  It's up to each of us to decide.  The most wonderful thing about people is that we are all unique beings, with our own set of wants, needs, and desires.  Where I want a man who behaves with chivalry, another woman may not.  To be sure, that makes for a confusing dating scene, but it's really just another part of the game of finding the person that you want to be with.  So take a deep breath and enjoy the ride!  This is life, and it's beautifully messy.

In his words...

Normally, I am all about creating my own art.  My own words.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts on this stuff which you guys are courageous enough to read and share and argue back with.  I love that.  And thank you.

Today, however, I stumbled across this gem on the Internet, and knew immediately that what he said was better than anything I had to say.  The post below is from David Mikus, posted in a public note on Facebook, and so I am forwarding it on.  Don't get caught up in his use of pronouns - I think these sage words apply across the board, to women and men, in any and all kinds of relationships.

Most of all, I love #7 on this list, and this quote specifically:

The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.  Lots of wisdom in here.

Peace and love,
leah

****************************************


Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love. 

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not. 

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid. 

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes. 

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win. 

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. 

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. 

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from 
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Trade-offs

Sometimes, Truth just sneaks up on you and bites you in the ass.  You don't even know that the Truth is lying there, like a snake in the grass, until YEEEE-OWWW! you get caught up in one of those undeniable moments of reality.

Earlier this evening, we had a group study session--a group of four 30-something women, I should note-- and, as women are prone to do, the conversation wound its way around to men.  One woman was complaining about her husband and I must have had a bemused look on my face because someone else asked what I was thinking as I was listening to the story.  I shrugged and made an off-hand comment along the lines of "and that's why I'm glad that I'm single!"  Pressed for further explanation, I said the same thing I always say: that although there are nights when I wish I had someone to come home to, most of the time I enjoy my single-person living space.  I leave dishes in the sink when I want to.  I watch what I want on television.  My bathroom is always clean.  I can have oatmeal for dinner if the mood strikes me.  The other women nodded thoughtfully, and admitted that watching whatever they wanted on tv was a luxury seldom afforded by their husbands.  Smug with myself, I sat back and continued to listen to them talk about their men.

But later tonight, as I was lying in bed alone, a moment of loneliness struck me.  And then my earlier words came echoing back, carried forward on a wind of dishonesty.  Because, really, does it actually matter what is on tv?  Do dishes in the sink make me happy?  Yes, oatmeal is satisfying--and not having to cook a real meal is sometimes deeply gratifying!--but does it make up for being alone?  So while I have the ability to sleep diagonally across my bed and hog the covers, is that comparable to having someone who cares about you...and sets the rest of the other crap aside?

The truth is, I have conditioned myself to be someone who is cynical toward romance, disdainful of all things girly like flowers and diamonds, and dispassionate toward love. It's a defense mechanism, of course - and a weak one at that. Deep down, underneath the ridiculous "tough" facade, I'd really like to be swept off my feet. To have someone break through the barrier and call me on my antics. 

But what I want most from a partner is an equal: someone who is genuinely interested in me and who wants to open himself to me in return.  Someone who shares my passions, even if not always my point of view.  A man who will hold my hand through the highs and the lows and will honor our love by making himself equally as vulnerable in our private moments alone.

Life without these things is often incredibly empty - even if I have full control of the tv remote and my bedspread wrapped around me.

Dog days and dog dates

It's the dog days of summer here in Minnesota.  Steamy days are followed by sticky nights.  The locals like to complain about the heat but we all know it's pure bluster, because none of us wants Old Man Winter to return any time soon.  Here in the land of 10,000 lakes, we take to our patio bars like ducks to water during these hot summer days - sucking down suds and catching up with friends lost over the previous long winter. 

Last night was more dog than I ever dreamed...and it wasn't weather-related.  The date, Todd, and I met at a cowboy-themed bar in a nearby suburb: the patio there is rimmed with a kitschy split-rail fence and dotted with vinyl-upholstered table tops.  I arrived, ordered a drink, and waited.  I checked Facebook, scanned my email, and repeatedly checked text messages.  Ten minutes later, I was irked.  Ten more minutes later, I was ready to go when he finally showed up.  I blinked at him, wondering how the bright-eyed man in the photos on the online dating website could have morphed into this sweaty, disheveled slop in front of me.

 He gruffly apologized for his tardiness; evidently, he was on his motorcycle and couldn't call to say he would be late.  I shook off my ire and decided to open my mind.  After all, he was good on paper: a 43 year old man, divorced for over five years, and a PhD in engineering that landed him a great job with GE in the medical field.  I had reason to feel hopeful.

Fifteen minutes later, I was regretting my optimism.  Todd was bossy, insulting, and egotistical.  And that's being generously complimentary.  He blithely asserted that I was "too happy-go-lucky" and that anyone who had even a small amount of life experience would know better than to be so positive.  It wasn't worth proving otherwise, and I let the comment float away.  He tried again, telling me that it was too bad that I was pretty and knew it--there's nothing worse than a "woman who knows she's pretty" but in the next breath, he complimented my self-confidence.  The contradiction was lost on him.

Annoyed, I excused myself to use the restroom.  As I walked away from the table, I could feel his eyes penetrating through my clothes and I shuddered.  When I returned to my seat, he was ready:

"You know, I can tell from the way that you walk that you must have a tilted uterus," he breezily announced.

I stared at him.  I had no idea what a tilted uterus was, since no one, not even my OB-GYN, had ever said those words to me, even in the course of two pregnancies.

"Every man should be able to recognize that in a woman, because it makes a difference in how he interacts with her," he continued, oblivious to the horror filling my face.

"I took ten years of classical ballet--that's the reason for my posture and walk," I informed him shortly.  What the eff is in this man's head, I thought.

"Well, I'm sure I'm right," he replied dismissively.  "Knowing about the tilt of your uterus means I know how to touch--"

I cut him off.  "Hmm.  Interesting stuff.  Anyway, so tell me about your daughter?"

Without missing a beat, he launched into a proud recitation of his daughter's accomplishments...and thereby saved me any further awkward conversation.  I sighed inwardly, checked my watch, and made my exit plan.

Later that night, as I recounted the ugly details to my best friend, she laughed at my misfortune.

"That's what you get for dating educated men, hon!"

Two to Tango

It's often said that you can't change other people.  Being the creatively-minded person that I am, I thought for sure that I could get around that little rule if I changed myself in order to meet the needs of the relationship.

So imagine my surprise when my perfectly crafted plan washed away like a sandcastle in high tide.

It wasn't like I didn't try.  I worked hard to learn new ways to communicate, to resolve conflict, to caretake his heart and find happiness.  I toned down the sarcasm and spoke plain English about my worries, fears, and troubles.  I told him what I needed when I was hurting.  I told him how to make me happy.  I left him space to be a boy and get in trouble with his buddies.  But the more I did, the more he pulled away and refused to meet me in the middle.

I still don't know why that is.  Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, maybe it was the poor circumstances of our relationship.  I do know this: I could try to write up an after-action report and dissect each moment, searching forensically for guilt or absolution.  Or I could move on, taking lessons where they appear naturally and finding peace in the future, rather than sorrow in the past.

One clear-cut lesson is this: it takes two to tango.  You can't drag your partner around the dance floor, hoping that he'll pick up the steps in a song or two.  You can't just yank him up out of that chair and lead him to the floor; disaster is sure to ensue in that scenario.  If he doesn't want to be there, you'll only end up tripping over each other and you may even get seriously hurt in a fall.

Sometimes, partners are afraid to tell us "no" - so they go through the motions.  But that's equally as dangerous, because it lures us into false security.  When he's going through the motions, he's not really listening to the music...and the next thing you know, he missed the uptick in tempo, you trip and fall, and he just turns and walks off the dance floor.

If he's late to the dance on a consistent basis, that bears examination as well.  My last partner gave me many signs--a lot of which I missed because I wasn't ready to face them.  One big sign was his consistent inability to show up on time--or sometimes, show up at all.  It should've been the single biggest "he's-just-not-that-into-you" sign of all, but I refused to see it for what it was.  Instead, I would scold him, he'd apologize and promise to do better...and then he'd fail again within a few weeks.  If someone doesn't want to be at the dance, isn't that telling you something about the status of your relationship?  Above all, your partner should look forward to spending time with you.

I am sure that in due time, other lessons from this latest flop will become apparent.  I like to think that failure isn't such a bad thing--that learning from bad experiences is a success of sorts.  I am still working all that out--and trying to do so without letting it drag me down emotionally.  This is a big task.

There is a great TED talk given by Kathryn Schulz about failure--about what happens when we're wrong and how it feels when we think we're right.  I encourage you to spend 15 minutes and watch it:
http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_on_being_wrong.html

Wanted: Instructions for navigating life

There should be a manual for the post-divorce life.  Everyone offers all sorts of advice on divorce while you're trudging through the slop of the process, but I've found that the after-life has been as difficult as the process itself, but without the glut of advisers.

The first gut punch came when my ex-husband moved in with his girlfriend last fall.  It was a reality check: he's really moved on.  As much as I had moved on too, there was a small part of me--however ridiculous--that was hurt that he was over me.  Call it foolish pride.

In the ensuing months, there have been other difficult moments: my kids talking about their "new" grandparents (the girlfriend's parents), the call that came from the girlfriend that my daughter had to have stitches, my ex-husband coaching her son's basketball team.  All small matters, but weighty despite their size.

Yesterday, when I picked up my seven-year-old daughter from her dad's house, she was bursting with news.

"Guess what!" she exclaimed, her eyes shining.  "Terri got engaged!  To Dad!"

I blinked hard, not quite sure I had heard her right.  "Dad asked Terri to marry him?" I asked incredulously.

"Yep!  And Dad says we could call Terri 'Mom' now," she reported importantly.

"No.  Absolutely not," I tartly responded, more harshly than I had intended.  I tried again: "I don't think that's appropriate, honey.  You have a mom; Terri's more like a bonus caring adult in your life."  We attempted to talk this through, but the moment was wrong--and so was my attitude.

Because what wasn't being said, what I couldn't tell my young daughter, was that I was sad.  But I couldn't wrap my mind around why.  I swallowed hard over the unpleasant emotional bile, changed the topic of conversation, and drove on to her softball game.

Later that night, as I settled into bed, my mind returned to my ex and his girlfriend.  Fiancee, I corrected myself.  Why did that feel so uncomfortable?  Why was my mouth twisted  into a grimace at the thought?  Even now, a day later, my face is still contorted as I sit here writing.

I finally realized that I am resentful because he has achieved success....and I am struggling.  Since our separation over three years ago, I have lost my job, moved three times, and floundered in relationships. He has kept his job, moved up in housing conditions, and found a steady love.  While I don't aspire for the things he does--a house in the suburbs, teeming with children (hers and ours)--I do have goals that have yet to be realized, and I'm frustrated.  His success underscores my own failures.

Navigating change is tricky.  Accepting change is even harder.  There is no book on how to interact with your ex-spouse, or at least none that I'm aware of.  All of us have different relationships with our exes--even among my circle of girlfriends.  Some of my friends' relationships are highly antagonistic, some are superficially polite, and still others have maintained a friendship of sorts.  But the thread of commonality is that change has occurred--a divorce--and a new set of circumstances has arisen, one that  requires us to be emotionally adaptable.

I know I shouldn't compare my life to anyone else's, but when the chips are down, it's hard not to look around and covet what I see.  The last few years haven't been for naught: I am almost done with a Master's degree and I have been a part of my children's lives in ways that I couldn't be if I was working full-time.  Still, I'm ready for the next phase of my life--ready for the challenges and the joys of a career, a love, and a home.

Broken Hearts Club, Vol. II

"Can I ask you a question?"

Through clenched teeth he responded, guarded: "Okay...."

We were in his kitchen, the third location that night for an argument that had spanned an hour, maybe more. With these bouts, there was no bell and time became uncountable. 

I tightly closed my eyes and mustered up my courage, feeling a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat.  I opened my eyes, and forced a steady voice: "At least tell me what your emotions are right now. Name them."

His eyes softened for a moment as he met my stare. I saw a tenderness hiding behind the harsh glare of anger. 

"Mad. Frustrated. Angry," he responded in a tone that was as hard as it was dishonest. 

"And hurt?" I softly asked. 

He scoffed.  "Hurt? What is that? I don't get hurt," he bitterly responded. It was a defense mechanism, and he knew I knew. 

He took a long swig of his beer, buying both of us a moment of quiet. He'd been slamming beers angrily now for twenty minutes, choosing to dump poison into his liver rather than speak poisonous, angry  words.

I met his flashing eyes with sudden equal anger. Two could play this game, I thought. I opened the refrigerator and reached for a bottle of wine. I poured a long pour into a wine glass and greedily drank it in one gulp. He stared, surprised.

Seizing the moment, I took the cool silver can from his hands and set it on the counter. I leaned in and kissed him, tasting the beer and the utter shock on his lips. Then I stared hard and spoke:

"I will be damned if I let you go. I'm fighting for us, for you. Stop fighting against us and start working for us. We have come too God-damned far to just give up now.  I fucking love you," I fervently whispered into his face. "I know you know hurt. I do, too. Be. Human. Right now, right in this space."

His Atlantic blue eyes searched my face, looking intently for safety and love. The air was still and hung heavy with my declaration for a long minute. 

He grabbed my face with both of his hands, pulling me in abruptly for a kiss. I felt a tear brush my cheek--I don't know if it was his or mine. Gathering me in his arms tightly, he fiercely whispered: 

"Okay."

Broken Hearts Club

The thing about broken hearts is this: you never know when it's going to happen. Because if you knew, you would take every precaution to stop it from happening--to suspend the action in mid-air like a movie. But this isn't Hollywood.

I am current sitting at a bar patio in a dismal suburb, listening to the traffic on the busy county road and the desperately emotional 90's music blaring, sipping tepid Chardonnay. I am waiting for you with a pit in my stomach, My mind racing.  Wondering if you would call it over. Wondering if you would hug me when you came in. Wondering if you would notice my carefully selected outfit, makeup, and perfume. Wondering. 

Three days ago, we were happy. Two nights ago, we cussed each other out like sailors and hung up on one another. We have barely spoken since. This meeting, arranged under strained terms with strained voices, is full of questions and--I hope--maybe even a promise of healing. 

I find myself wondering about who I am: stupidly optimistic, or just a glutton for punishment? What parts of our fight were mine to own, and what were yours? I know I'm the person who always says I'm sorry first...is that a flaw or a beauty mark?

While I think, my eye strays and I spy a nearby couple, hands intertwined, praying over their food. As quick as I am the scoff at them and figuratively roll my eyes, I mentally apologize and turn my attention to appreciate their graceful tie. She's blonde--as everyone in this Scandinavian-American outpost is--and he sports an olive-drab tshirt, the kind available in any department store across the country. There is nothing remarkable about them physically, but their bond is unmistakeable: they're the couple that will grow old together. I watch him sip his amber-colored brew and smile at her over the top of his glass, his adoration for her apparent. I smile in spite of myself. 

I don't know what you'll say when you come in here. But I believe in love like that. 

Gay marriage is gay marriage

In the not so distant past, say 60 years ago, the phrase "gay marriage" would have invoked a mental image of a happy (gay), young white heterosexual couple. Homosexuals, as a group, didn't really exist in the collective mainstream American mind until the Stonewall riot in 1969.

On June 28, 1969, New York City police raided a popular gay bar, Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village. At the time, cops were targeting gay bars as a means of "cleaning up" the city. Fueled in part by the raging fire of social justice movements in the 60's and also by the sheer exhaustion that accompanies unequal treatment, patrons of Stonewall Inn refused to be loaded into paddy wagons. This refusal lit a spark in the predominantly gay neighborhood, and resulted in riots that lasted six days--and brought the topic of gay rights into the forefront of American awareness.

Forty-four years later, my home state of Minnesota has finalized crossed what may be the final frontier in marriage equality when the legislature approved legislation to provide for the recognition of gay marriage. In becoming just the twelfth state to do so, Minnesota has reasserted its place in the nation as a progressive, forward-leaning place.

Just as many in my generation can't imagine why gay marriage is such an issue, many in my parents' generation couldn't conceptualize any problem with interracial marriage. But much like the current marriage equality movement for same-sex couples, interracial marriage faced the same road blocks known to gays today, including attempts to amend the nation's Constitution to exclude interracial marriage.

Instead, the US Supreme Court used the Constitution to provide for the legal basis for marriage expansion. In a 1964 decision on McLaughlin v Florida, the Supremes recognized that the 14th Amendment's guarantee of equal protection under the law applied to the state's laws governing cohabitation--thus overturning Florida's exclusionary statute and setting the stage for the 1967 decision in Loving v Virginia, which fully legalized interracial marriage.

My hope is that the current Court is as equitable as the Warren court was.  As the nation awaits a decision on California's exclusionary Proposition 8 and on a separate case regarding the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), many of our fellow American's well-being remains on the line.  Marriage isn't just about the fulfillment of love; it is imbued with legal rights that most of us take for granted--rights such as the estate tax shelter, transfer of retirement benefits of a deceased partner, and family medical leave time from work to care for a spouse. Imagine if your loving partner was seriously ill, and your employer was well within his federally protected right to deny you the time away from work to provide care?

Our gay brothers and sisters deserve the chance to fulfill their lives in the same ways as the rest of us. This isn't about protecting the "sanctity of marriage" because the law doesn't recognize holiness under our belief of the separation of church and state. Nor does "sanctity" apply under its secondary meaning of inviolability--laws in every state provide for divorce. I can think of no reasonable or logical argument to exclude two loving, consensual people from the issuance of a governmentally-recognized marriage license that affords the opportunity to the legal protections provided by state and federal government.

Our Constitution and its attendant Bill of Rights are precious and central to our belief system as Americans. They make this country great. In the moral turmoil that followed the Civil War, our forefathers sought to clarify and improve the intentions of the founders by adding the 14th Amendment:

No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States...nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

This is strong, clear language that invites us toward inclusiveness, rather than division. It was true then regarding the abolishment of slavery; true for the women's suffrage movement at the turn of the 20th century; true for integrating public education in 1954; and it remains true today for same-sex couples.

Love Thyself

As we all know, a key part of dating is about attractiveness.  How we feel about ourselves and our bodies, the confidence we draw (or don't draw) from how we appear, and what we think our partners are looking for all impacts our relationships.  I am inviting you to an honest conversation on body image...and I'll even go first.

Like most women, I struggle with how I look.  I am constantly judging myself: sneaking glimpses in window reflections, measuring myself against women on television, and spending excess time in the bathroom examining my pores.  I have a ballerina's build that has stuck with me even though I haven't danced since I was in college: a small bustline and muscular legs that NEVER fit quite right into skinny jeans.  My figure is boyishly straight.  I have hazel-green eyes, pale skin, and dark chocolate brown hair.  I'm an all-American mutt--a true mix of western European ancestry with no distinguishing characteristics.  

By contrast, my best friend is curvy in all the right places.  She's about 5'6" tall, with a perfect hourglass figure and thin legs.  Her American Indian heritage is beautifully captured in her long black hair, soft olive skin, and deep brown eyes.  Without a doubt, she is exotic.

In spite of this, I can easily remember a dozen times in the last few months when we would trash ourselves and complain about various aspects of our bodies.  We're constantly "on a diet"--a condition shared by a majority of women.  One British study found that women spend 31 years of their lives on a diet, compared to 28 years for men.  Each diet lasted just five and a half weeks.  

While I'm not advocating we just abandon trying to get healthy, I do have to wonder if all this "dieting" is good for us--physically and emotionally?  

I was watching tv this morning and it seemed like every other commercial was an advertisement for a health-related product: probiotics, weight-loss supplements, cleanses...the list goes on.  While I conscientiously avoid fashion magazines to avoid feeling like I have to compare myself to waif-thin models, I feel barraged by the media and ad moguls reminding me about diets.  Am I supposed to be on a diet? I wonder anxiously.  Am I healthy enough?  Maybe I can diet away these tree-trunk legs...

The truth is, my weight is fine.  My body mass index is fine.  I could tone up a little more, but the reality is that most of us fall into that category.  The bottom line is that we are exposed to this culture of dieting not only because America, in general terms, has an obesity problem, but also because there's considerable money to be made from it.  Did you know that Americans spend $40 million each year on diet-related products?  And yet the obesity rate has been climbing steadily since the mid-1980's.  On the other end of the spectrum, an estimated 8 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder, with almost 90% of them women.  Treatment for eating disorders can range from $500-$2000 per day.  What if we saved our dollars...and just stopped the war on our bodies and self-esteem?

And why do we try so hard to be so thin?  Arguably, it's not as much for the health of our bodies as it is an attempt to find social acceptance, especially from the opposite sex.  Women truly believe that men are more attracted to very thin women.

To that end, an article in Psychology Today magazine presents a compelling discussion on what men actually find attractive.  According to the piece, co-written by two medical doctors who have studied why women need body fat, men actually don't find ultra-thin women more attractive.  They cite the fact that the average Playboy model is 5'6" and 115 pounds, with a BMI between 18-19.  While that may seem light, compare it to the average fashion model that has a BMI of 17.1, while almost half of all models have a BMI under 17--grossly underweight according to the Centers for Disease Control.  If men were attracted to extremely thin women, wouldn't Playboy magazine capitalize on that?

Dove Beauty Campaign recently published a video wherein seven women described themselves to FBI sketch artist Gil Zamora.  A second sketch was then compiled by the sketch artist, but this time as described by a stranger who had spent time earlier in the day with the women.  The two sketches produced marked differences and underscored the point that, as Dove says, "you're more beautiful than you think."  Watch the video here.

So the next time you're standing in front of the bathroom mirror practicing sucking in your stomach (c'mon, I'm not the only one who does that!)...maybe just cut yourself a small break.  Just once.  And then think about how much better it feels to love yourself than to hate some perceived "flaws."  Because what you think might not be the way others see you.  Only 4% of women in this world consider themselves beautiful.  I personally KNOW that more than 4% of the people that I see are beautiful.  

Including you.

feedback always welcome!

leahc168@gmail.com

Invasive Species

Last night was ladies' night out.  You know the kind: we get all dolled up in too much makeup and too high of heels to head out on the town to taunt men, with the rule being that we all leave the bar together.  Always a good time...unless you're a guy trying to break into that circle....sorry, guys...

Around midnight, we descended on a St. Paul hot spot called Wild Onion.  As the girls headed out to the dance floor, I hung back to survey the crowd.  Within two minutes, the Creepazoid was at my side.

"Hi!  I'm Eric." (Or is it Erik? Or Erick? Erich?  I didn't ask.)

I stared blankly at him.  Who was this creature?  Was I in a 1996 time-warp?  He wore a plain blue v-neck t-shirt that was two sizes too small, a heavy silver chain necklace, and gel-spiked hair.  

"I love Spice Girls!  Let's go dance!" he yelled in my ear.  What guy says that?!  For that matter, what girl in a post-Y2K world would say that?!  It should also be noted that he was quick to tell me that he was sober--doesn't drink--and that he was there alone.  Red flag!  Red flag!

Before I knew it, I was on the dance floor, trying mightily to keep a healthy distance between me and the Creepazoid.  I quickly located my gal pals and gave them the pleading "help-me-out-here" eyes.  They laughed at my misfortune and we tried to make our escape from the him.

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy.  When we found a table to sit at, he squeezed right in next to me in the booth. He was not to be deterred by our girl talk or blatant texting to each other about his obnoxious behavior. To quote Vince Vaughn's character in "Wedding Crashers"...we had a Stage Five Clinger.  As other guys came up to try to talk to us, he brushed them off and whispered to me that they were "number two" to him.  To say I was horrified is to put it mildly. 

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I HATE being a possession.  Being owned.  Being caged.  It makes my innards queasy.  And it made me think: what is the right amount of "possession" in a relationship?  Where do we draw the line between "we" and "I"?

Earlier in the day yesterday, I had coffee with a dear friend who is in the beginning stages of divorce.  As we talked about our failed marriages, we found that we had both struggled with how much of ourselves to turn over to our partners.  At the beginning my marriage, I neglected my friends and my personal needs in order to be with him, (wrongly) thinking that doing so would make our relationship stronger.  But instead, I lost sight of who I was and what I needed, which was a contributing factor to the failure of the marriage.  

An article in Psychology Today discusses this very issue, and urges partners to find ways to communicate regarding personal space needs.  Failure to communicate the needs can foster a breeding ground for "negative feelings: rejection, insecurity, jealousy, mistrust, and resentment."  When one partner moves away without telling the other what (s)he's up to, even when the motives are pure, it can cause a rift in the relationship.  Talking about space needs before it becomes an issue can head off a potential storm.

"Space" is a multi-faceted thing--it comes in many forms.  There's emotional space, physical space, and even spiritual space.  A failure to provide enough room in one of these areas will likely result in the partner taking space in another form.  Dr Vondie Lozano, a California marriage and family therapist, stated in a Wall Street Journal piece on relationships that "if you don't give them their physical space, they will take emotional space."  

But when we do give our partners what they need, our relationship is much more likely to thrive.  In romantic relationships, we seek to give comfort and increase happiness for the person that we're with.  That may come in the form of a good meal, a sweet note, or a thoughtful gift.  What if the best gift you can give your partner is the gift of personal space?  

Don't make your partner resort to this:

As always...feedback welcome!

leahc168@gmail.com

The State of our Family State

American marriages are in crisis.  And no, I don't mean because of gays.  Hell, if gays want in on this broken institution, they should be more than welcome to it.  If "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is any indicator, maybe gay marriage could even improve things!

But I digress.  Back to boring old heterosexual marriage.  The "traditional" kind--a dad, mom, two kids, a dog, an SUV, and a sprawling suburban home.

Once upon a time, I had all that.   We were living the American dream...but it was a nightmare.  He worked a lot to make sure we could afford it all and I was over-stressed between upstarting a career and primary responsibility for the kids, who were both under age 5.  Daycare expenses were eating us alive (as they are for a majority of Americans, especially in our area), home ownership was a chore, and our jobs had us working opposite shifts.  We spent very little time together as a couple.

Not surprisingly, the bubble burst and we divorced before our tenth wedding anniversary.  While the reasons for our divorce are far more complex than I will outline here, suffice to say that the circumstances outlined above were all contributing factors to our failure.

And we're not alone.  In fact, a plurality of marriages in the United States these days are like ours was: stressed over money, work, and children.  Despite societal and technological advances that allow us to work from home, wash clothes in half the time that our grandparents did, and prepare pre-cooked food in microwaves, Americans still report being unhappy.  Why?

A major reason can be found in the way we spend our time.  A longitudinal study over four decades by three sociologists from University of Maryland (College Park) found that my generation's mothers report spending more time providing structured parenting than our moms did--this, in spite of increased hours spent outside the home working.  The trade-off?  Leisure time and interpersonal relationships such as spouses and friends. In order to achieve that "perfect" work-life balance, in other words, women are foregoing their own needs (and the needs of extended family, friends, and husbands) in favor of work and child-rearing.

Why does it take so much more time to be a parent in the 21st century?  One reason lies in the rise of "helicopter parenting" so called for its comparison to hovering, in this case over children.  It requires a great deal of time and energy to hover over a child's homework, TV selections, internet time, sports, and personal lives.  Bear in mind that helicopter parenting goes beyond normal levels of childcare: in its extreme, it's found in parents who do their children's homework, call their college students to remind them to get up for class each day, or berate a coach for not selecting their child for the varsity team.  As sociology professor Margaret K. Nelson of Middlebury College writes in a Washington Post opinion piece, this style of parenting is "is not just exhaustive; it sounds exhausting."  She continues: "Working a demanding job while paying painstaking attention to one's children leaves little time for maintaining a marriage."

But this rise in Intense Parenting also gives a socially-acceptable excuse to couples who may want to get divorced but remain married, for any number of real reasons.  "We're staying together for the kids," I hear over and over again.  After all, who could argue with a parent who chooses their children's well-being over their own happiness?  As if I could say to them, "Awww...to heck with the kids!  What about YOU?"  I'm pretty sure that response would be unappreciated.

Unfortunately for those unhappy couples that employ this reasoning, social science research has posted results to the contrary: unhappy parents do not raise happy children.  In fact, one study of 1400 families found that over 75% of the children of divorced parents were just as well-adjusted as their counterparts from non-divorced parents.  The author of this study, E. Mavis Hetherington, a developmental psychologist, notes that it is "very bad" for children "if [they] are in marriages with parents who are contemptuous of each other, not even with overt conflict, but just sneering and subtle putdowns that erode the partner's self-esteem."

So while divorce should be the last resort for a couple, those of us that have experienced it and worry about our children's well-being can perhaps find a bit of peace of mind in Dr. Hetherington's research.  The "staying for the kids"-mentality can actually have a less positive outcome than we once believed.  It's important to note, however, that well-adjusted post-divorce children don't just happen.  When we divorce, we owe it to our kids to ensure that they have the emotional and psychological tools to handle this major life disruption.  But the act of the divorce alone does not have an innate ability to ruin the lives of children.


Families are complex creations, but that is what makes them beautiful.  Love exists in all familial forms: single parents, married parents, gay parents, childless couples.  Far be it from any one of us to judge another's choices or lifestyle; rather, we can only do our best to extend a helping hand when one is needed. 

A family isn't the presence or absence of a partner, children, a pet, a car, or any tangible item.  A family is defined by love.

As always:

Thoughts/comments/ideas/rebuttal welcome: leahc168@gmail.com

Spring Clean Your Heart

Spring has sprung!!  .....Or so I'm told, from people who have been to warmer parts of the United States.  Here in the Midwest, it's been lingering at a bone-chilling 40 degrees, although I will say that the sun is stronger and stays out longer.  Still, I'm ready for green grass and daffodils.

There are lots of reasons to love springtime, not the least of which is that glorious day of the year when you can pack up the parkas, clean the house, and throw the window open to let clean, fresh air in.  As we transition from dark winter to bright summer, we look at all aspects of our lives to ready ourselves for the new season.  Diets clean up as we get ourselves beach-body ready, calendars lighten up as we make time for gardening and lawn care, and we reconnect with neighbors not seen since before the first snowfall.

As I was cleaning out my kids' room today, I got to thinking that this ritualistic seasonal activity should apply to more than just our diets, calendars, and closets.  What about our hearts?  What are we doing to prep the field so that love can grow?

I spent my 20's living in a small town in western Wisconsin.  Every spring, I saw the farm fields that surrounded our community turn from dusty, dry brown to rich, dark black after the farmers turned the soil to prepare for planting.  The seeds, laid in neat rows for miles on end, held so much hope for the future.  The right summertime conditions of warmth, rain, and nourishment yielded a bountiful fall harvest.  If the soil was bad or the rain didn't come, the seeds were stunted or perhaps failed to sprout at all.

Like those acres and acres of Wisconsin farmland, our hearts are the fertile soil in which we must sow seeds of love.  If the space in our heart is tainted with fear, hurt, sorrow, or impatience, the seeds have no chance of growing.  They will die without ever having seen sunlight.  But if we offer our hearts a bit of peace and provide room for knowledge and growth, our seeds have a much better chance of realizing themselves.

As there were varieties of crops on those vast Wisconsin fields, there are varieties of love as well.  If we plant romantic love and have not seeds of self-love already in the ground, romantic love will surely result in failure.  Promises made to a partner are meaningless if we fail to know what lies within our souls.  Discovering the habits of our hearts are the very key to unlocking our ability to fully experience love.  If we don't know ourselves, we will never have the capacity to understand another person.

So ask yourself a few questions as you ready your heart to find love, keep love, or expand the love you already have.  Turn these thoughts over in your head, as a farmer turns his fields:

• What circumstances do I need in order to be happy?  
• In what activities do I find joy?
• What can I offer to my partner?
• Am I communicating effectively?  Does my partner know these things about me?

Answering these questions will be like pouring sunlight on your heart.

Brave Heart

THEN:
Setting: Oak Grove Intermediate School lunchroom, Fall 1990 (6th grade)

Me (peering anxiously across the lunchroom at a boy): Oh my gosh.  Are you sure he got the note?
My BFF (exasperated): Yes.  He got the note that you wrote.  I gave it right to him.
Me: Well, did he read it?
BFF: I don't know!  You really like him, don't you??  (sing-song)  Leah and Jimmy*, sitting in a tree...
Me:  Shut up!

I'll save you from the ugly, nit-picky details of the rest of the tragedy and cut right to the end:  No, Jimmy didn't like me.  He never responded to my note asking him if he liked me.  It turns out, 20 years later, that he's gay.  I guess I can pick 'em, right!?!

*not his real name (duh!)

PRESENT DAY:
Setting: Diamond Path Elementary School hallway, Spring 2013

Me (peering anxiously across the hall at a boy): Maybe I should just ask him out.
BFF (via text message): Yes, you should.  Put an end to this already!
Me: But what if he has a girlfriend? 
BFF: Then at least you'll know!

Luckily for me, this one turned out a lot better than my 6th grade foray into asking boys out.  This time, he said yes!  He's not gay, nor does he have a girlfriend.  He's tall, well-built, and has sparkly blue eyes that dance when he laughs.  We met for coffee a few days later, then he took me out on a "real" date the next week.  That night, he arrived at my door step in a starched, pressed shirt, with three roses for me in his hand, and a shy, sweet, boyish smile on his face.  I think I picked a good one!  (For the record, my mother was horrified at my blatant disregard for The Rules!)

We both have every reason to be afraid.  As divorced parents, we each have had our share of past failed relationships, and we have so much to protect now--not the least of which is our kids....or our hearts.

But love is about taking chances.  Indeed, relationships in general, whether they be platonic, familial, or romantic, require a great deal of risk. The issue, then, is determining whether love is an all-out gamble or a calculated risk.

Most of us (some studies suggest up to 80% of people) are unreasonably optimistic about our own futures, even when we have no reason to be and evidence presented would indicate the opposite.  We fully believe that statistics don't affect us--that we won't become victims of cancer, bankruptcy, or crime.  For this reason, we eat junk food, spend foolishly, or leave our cars unlocked with keys in the ignition.  Our frontal lobes underestimate these sorts of risks as so to decrease stress and anxiety.

But when it comes to love, we hesitate.  We sit back, trying to gauge the temperature by merely peering out the window.  We see partly cloudy weather, rather than a mostly sunny sky, and decide it's better to stay indoors.  Why are we willing to put our cars at risk for theft, but not to take a chance and ask someone out on a date? 

I contend that a great deal of the answer lies in courage.  How willing are you to roll the dice and accept the outcome, even if it's snake eyes?  What if I would've asked out the guy at my kids' school and it turned out that he declined because he had a girlfriend?  At least then I would know.  And knowing provides a sense of relief and calm.  There's a reason why people say that knowledge is power--the power to make myself happy.

And just as it takes a great deal of courage to get into a relationship, it requires the same amount to get out of one.  I have a few friends right now that are contemplating divorce or break-up...and they are merely sitting next to the window, trying to decide if conditions are right by seeing only what's on the other side of a 9 square-foot piece of glass.  This is not to suggest that they're not doing a legitimate cost-benefit analysis; rather, it is to say that the analysis is done and while they know that they're not in the right place, they're afraid to make a move that, ultimately, appears to be in everyone's best interest.

I was scared to death to broach the topic of divorce with my spouse.  Knowing it would forever alter us and our children, I labored over the decision for months on end.  But once decided, I gathered my courage and talked to him...and a weight was lifted off my heart.

Whether it be asking someone out, treating someone right, or moving on...there can be no shortage of bravery in our hearts.  Have the courage to try for happiness.