Brave Heart

THEN:
Setting: Oak Grove Intermediate School lunchroom, Fall 1990 (6th grade)

Me (peering anxiously across the lunchroom at a boy): Oh my gosh.  Are you sure he got the note?
My BFF (exasperated): Yes.  He got the note that you wrote.  I gave it right to him.
Me: Well, did he read it?
BFF: I don't know!  You really like him, don't you??  (sing-song)  Leah and Jimmy*, sitting in a tree...
Me:  Shut up!

I'll save you from the ugly, nit-picky details of the rest of the tragedy and cut right to the end:  No, Jimmy didn't like me.  He never responded to my note asking him if he liked me.  It turns out, 20 years later, that he's gay.  I guess I can pick 'em, right!?!

*not his real name (duh!)

PRESENT DAY:
Setting: Diamond Path Elementary School hallway, Spring 2013

Me (peering anxiously across the hall at a boy): Maybe I should just ask him out.
BFF (via text message): Yes, you should.  Put an end to this already!
Me: But what if he has a girlfriend? 
BFF: Then at least you'll know!

Luckily for me, this one turned out a lot better than my 6th grade foray into asking boys out.  This time, he said yes!  He's not gay, nor does he have a girlfriend.  He's tall, well-built, and has sparkly blue eyes that dance when he laughs.  We met for coffee a few days later, then he took me out on a "real" date the next week.  That night, he arrived at my door step in a starched, pressed shirt, with three roses for me in his hand, and a shy, sweet, boyish smile on his face.  I think I picked a good one!  (For the record, my mother was horrified at my blatant disregard for The Rules!)

We both have every reason to be afraid.  As divorced parents, we each have had our share of past failed relationships, and we have so much to protect now--not the least of which is our kids....or our hearts.

But love is about taking chances.  Indeed, relationships in general, whether they be platonic, familial, or romantic, require a great deal of risk. The issue, then, is determining whether love is an all-out gamble or a calculated risk.

Most of us (some studies suggest up to 80% of people) are unreasonably optimistic about our own futures, even when we have no reason to be and evidence presented would indicate the opposite.  We fully believe that statistics don't affect us--that we won't become victims of cancer, bankruptcy, or crime.  For this reason, we eat junk food, spend foolishly, or leave our cars unlocked with keys in the ignition.  Our frontal lobes underestimate these sorts of risks as so to decrease stress and anxiety.

But when it comes to love, we hesitate.  We sit back, trying to gauge the temperature by merely peering out the window.  We see partly cloudy weather, rather than a mostly sunny sky, and decide it's better to stay indoors.  Why are we willing to put our cars at risk for theft, but not to take a chance and ask someone out on a date? 

I contend that a great deal of the answer lies in courage.  How willing are you to roll the dice and accept the outcome, even if it's snake eyes?  What if I would've asked out the guy at my kids' school and it turned out that he declined because he had a girlfriend?  At least then I would know.  And knowing provides a sense of relief and calm.  There's a reason why people say that knowledge is power--the power to make myself happy.

And just as it takes a great deal of courage to get into a relationship, it requires the same amount to get out of one.  I have a few friends right now that are contemplating divorce or break-up...and they are merely sitting next to the window, trying to decide if conditions are right by seeing only what's on the other side of a 9 square-foot piece of glass.  This is not to suggest that they're not doing a legitimate cost-benefit analysis; rather, it is to say that the analysis is done and while they know that they're not in the right place, they're afraid to make a move that, ultimately, appears to be in everyone's best interest.

I was scared to death to broach the topic of divorce with my spouse.  Knowing it would forever alter us and our children, I labored over the decision for months on end.  But once decided, I gathered my courage and talked to him...and a weight was lifted off my heart.

Whether it be asking someone out, treating someone right, or moving on...there can be no shortage of bravery in our hearts.  Have the courage to try for happiness.

Thin Line Between Love & Hate

This morning, when I awoke at the grand hour of 10:00 am, I did my usual roll-over-and-grab-my-phone wakeup ritual.  (How many of us do this?  I wonder if I had a real person in bed next to me, would I still sleep with my phone?  Another topic for another time...)  As I triaged messages, quickly skimming and deciding what needed my immediate attention, a message from my girlfriend caught my eye: she needed to cancel our dinner plans.  I read on: she described her rather contentious divorce proceedings and how her ex was documenting all her time away from their kids, so we would have to delay our dinner so that she could be home with her babies.  Completely understandable, although sad that her ex felt this was necessary.

Message 2 was from another friend who is going through divorce.  He relayed to me that he had put his Facebook settings on super-lockdown because he felt his ex would use information against him in their divorce proceedings.  

The combination of the two messages got my thinking: how do we move from lovers to fighters in our marriages?  Is it an inevitable evolution--part of the separation process?

Many years ago, I married the man who I called my best friend.  We knew all of each other's secrets, insecurities, quirks.  The formative year(s) of the relationship were spent getting to know these things about each other and learning to love one another's flaws.  With time, however, we stopped being each other's confidante.  Kids, work, and other demands slowly took over the time we used to spend laughing and sharing.  As we drifted apart, it became apparent that the marriage had run its course and we ultimately agreed to split.  Just as quickly as we fell in love, we became enemies: judging each other's every movement, looking for motive, and distrustful of the person with whom we had once shared everything.  Best friends to total strangers in mere months.

And our situation is not unique.  While statistics about divorce abound (which party made the initial filing, how many go to trial, divorce by race, religion, etc), it is difficult to find good data on the subjective topic of contentiousness during the process.  In the United States, the vast majority of divorces (>95%) are resolved without a courtroom trial.  Still, that speaks nothing of the highly charged emotional state of both parties while they part ways--and part children, homes, cars, and bank accounts.  The fights, the testy exchanges, the snide remarks...who measures that?  And yet, just about everyone I know who is divorced has experienced it.

More importantly....can we move from fighters to peacemakers after the dust has settled?  How authentic can a friendship become when we're on the other side of a nasty split?

Ultimately, during a bad divorce, trust between parties gets broken.  In the situation of my guy friend who put his Facebook on ultra-private, he clearly doesn't trust his (ex-)wife not to misuse information.  My ex took it a step further and actually blocked me on Facebook, preventing me from seeing anything he does on the website--a setting that remains today, three years after our split.  Re-establishing trust, even to the small amount needed for a basic, no-frills friendship, requires a demonstrated change of behavior coupled with an honest discussion of what went wrong.  We have yet to let our walls down enough to move forward in that direction.  Instead, we make small talk at our kids' events and during hand-offs of the children, while steadfastly refusing to allow any real emotion or discussion to enter the space between us.  It's all very Minnesota Nice.

Is that what we've been reduced to?  The best friend I married ten years ago has now become a near-stranger in our post-divorce world.  Is there a happy middle ground?

Yes.

Because the greatest thing about people is our ability to change.

  

Consequences

Three years ago, when my then-husband and I made the decision to get divorced, I knew there would be tough moments in my future.  Heading into a split like that, you try to prepare yourself as much as possible for difficult times: the holidays alone or the nights when you don't get to play Santa or Tooth Fairy.  Today, I had another one of those lonely moments.

The kids and their dad are on their way this morning to spend the next ten days in Florida with his family.  It is going to be a fantastic experience for my children: nearly a week and a half in the warmth of a strong southern sun, spending time with extended family--including their only cousin.  It is a true blessing that their father is able to take them on this trip.

At the same time that I am so happy for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness.  Times like these always make me reflect back on why I got divorced, and whether or not I made the right choice.  As I talked to the kids on the phone this morning, I could picture them at the airport, their eyes alive with excitement and their small bodies wiggling happily in their seats.  I tried to picture myself there with them and their father, but the image wouldn't come.  I felt entirely separated and distant from this man who at one time was my life partner.

Eight years earlier, we had stood side by side and tied the knot in front of our pastor.  Now, it took two lawyers, a judge, and a court clerk to finally untangle the knotty mess.  I remember sitting in the courtroom during our final divorce proceeding, my heart pounding out of chest, and looking past both our lawyers to get a glimpse of my soon-to-be ex-husband.  Dressed in a button down shirt and the khaki pants that I had bought him years earlier, he appeared stoic with zero expression on his face.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks--tears of fear, of anxiety, of sadness.  As the judge pronounced our marriage "irretrievably broken," I felt a small part of me die...and another small part of me reawaken.  

Divorce is not without consequences, of course...but to assume the word "consequence" is purely negative is to make a poor conclusion.  When the storm of divorce was over, I dared to raise my head to survey the damage.  What I found was that the rain and wind had stripped away anything weak, leaving a bare landscape ready for new life.  While I had been trying to make things fit and work in our marriage for years, I was filled with anxiety and frustration.  Once we made the difficult decision to call it over, I felt released and ready to become someone new.

Or...maybe just someone I had always been. 

What is Romance?

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to spend a few days with a great group of women.  We rented a house at a resort with the intent to pamper ourselves in the spa and spend time relaxing.  As herds of women are prone to do, we took turns dishing about the various men in our lives: what he did or didn't do, how that made us feel, what we loved and what could be better.  By the time we left on Sunday, I realized there was one main theme: Communication.

I spent the next two days talking with other friends--men and women alike--trying to define this mysterious "communication" thing.  Someone referred to it as romance, and that got me thinking: What is romance?

Romance is often intangible as a concept, but it can be found hidden in the small token efforts that make the other person feel cared for.  These little offerings--communications--tell the other person that they are valued.  Throughout all of our conversations this weekend, my girlfriends consistently indicated that what they missed in their long-term relationships were these seemingly almost-meaningless expressions of care.  The wake-up text message or a cup of coffee and a note in the kitchen can often mean more than an expensive dinner or a bouquet of roses.  

I've spent a lot of time talking with friends who are divorced, near divorce, or actively going through divorce right now.  I encourage them to take a look at their relationships and find out what went wrong.  Often, I hear that one or both partners forgot to take time out for the relationship--that the dishes piled up, the kids needed to go to soccer/hockey/gymnastics practice, that work became a priority...or that these distractions even eventually became an escape.  When we fail to kiss goodnight or say good morning, the partnership begins to die.  Relationships are built on those small moments and minor expressions of care; there is no substitute for making a daily connection with our partner.

Someone told me that he defined romance as "the desire to bare one's true self to another...[which] achieves a greater sense of euphoria (love)."  This incredible sense of personal vulnerability inevitably ties us to our partners; recognizing and respecting this naked exposure creates a bond that can never be undone.

One of my friends has been in an on-again, off-again pseudo-relationship. Without a doubt, they love each other, but external negative circumstances always seem to nose their way in, causing disruption and instigating arguments.  Whenever this happens, she will ask me the eternal question: "Why do I love him?"  For a long time, I had no answer.  Now I know: it's because you know what is in each other's hearts.  You've each been vulnerable, you've allowed each other into the most secret places of your soul...and you can't undo that confession.

Sometimes I think that we are more polite to strangers on the street than those living under our own roofs.  How many of us will force a smile for the barista at Starbucks, but then come home and grump to our partners--or worse, breeze by them without saying a word?  While our homes and relationships should be a safe place to talk through problems and experience frustrations, we can't do so to the exclusion of purposefully creating good times, too.  A short text message to say "I know it's tough at work today...hope you have a good day though!" can only create love and happiness in the other person, even if it's just a tiny spark.  It only takes a single spark to ignite a fire.


Fire is risky, and not without its dangers.  But the greatest risk can offer the greatest reward.  Even if you don't know if the gesture will be returned, what have you really lost by trying?  I challenge you to do something that would surprise your partner and put an unplanned smile on his/her face...to do something that you used to do but have since forgotten due to the daily demands of life.  It doesn't have to big grand or intense...but it does need to be authentic and meaningful...try to recall what is in your partner's heart, and speak to it.  

Friends With Benefits (?)(!)(.)

Author's note: My friend, "Jim," asked me to write about this topic.  No, we're NOT friends with benefits.  Just friends.  No benefits.  I promise.

Friends with benefits.  No strings attached.  Pillow pals.  Lots of names for what is essentially the same thing: repeated sexual encounters with the same person, without a romantic relationship or commitment.

Urban Dictionary's definition:

Friends with Benefits (verb): A healthy, fun sexual relationship between two people......Until one falls for the other, the friendship blows to pieces, and those two people find themselves worse off than they were before.

That sounds pretty accurate, given my training (none) and experience (limited).  Still, I have friends (mostly men) that swear by this act--they believe that not getting involved emotionally is better than the risks and pitfalls of a committed relationship.  

The trouble with all of it is that one person (usually the female in heterosexual relationships) ends up falling for the other.  Even with the best intentions, with the expectations clear and managed, we girls end up falling for the guy and making a mess of the whole thing.  I wondered why this was...so, naturally, I turned to the Internet for answers.

As it turns out, there's a scientific answer.  Scientific studies have shown that humans experience a hormone release following orgasm.  In women, the hormone is oxytocin--the so-called "cuddling hormone" because it lowers our capacity for fear and increases our sense of bonding.  Men, on the other hand, release dopamine--the pleasure hormone.  So while men are laying in bed, feeling happy and sleepy, women's hormones are busy convincing us that we are bonded, in love, and ready to commit to this guy.  

Mother Nature is a real *%$^, isn't she?!  That's not even fair!

This, dear readers, is why I do not believe in the concept of  "friends with benefits" (FWB).  It's scientifically impossible for women to handle.  Unless.....

1.  The sex is bad.  It's basic: if women don't reach orgasm, then the oxytocin release won't happen and the whole let's-fall-in-love-and-get-married-and-have-a-zillion-babies reaction is stopped cold.  HA!  Take that, evolution!!  Of course, the downfall is that bad sex is no fun and negates the entire reason for the experience.  Hmm...maybe this isn't a plausible answer...

2.  You avoid cuddling afterwards.  Shaking off the whole experience before the hormones can really kick in seems like it would help.  Get out of bed, take a cold shower, and WAKE THE HELL UP.  This isn't love; it's sex.

The concept gets even more convoluted when you have a real friendship with the other person.  As I was talking this over with a gal pal, it occurred to us that there's a difference between friends with benefits and acquaintances with benefits.  A friend--someone you're connected to, that you share a bond with--complicates the FWB  sexual relationship even more.  If you are invested in his/her well-being by virtue of the friendship, AND you're sleeping with him/her...how is this not dating?  How is this not a romantic relationship?  At least in the acquaintance scenario, you are not bonded by anything other than a mutual appreciation for a satisfying sexual relationship.  It seems it would be a lot more emotionally safe to keep the friendship out of it.

There.  You've been warned.  

On Loneliness

Mark Twain once said that "the worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."  I think most of us would agree that loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world.  Solitude is the celebration of being alone; loneliness is being alone when you don't want to be.

We all handle our emotions in different ways, and loneliness is no exception.  Some people eat or exercise, some people watch tv, listen to music, or read.  Still others among us try to resolve loneliness through substitution--by finding someone else to fill the void while what they really want is somewhere else.  A healthy way of doing this is to find a friend to hang out with when our feelings are the most raw.  A good night out with the gal pals often cures me of my worst anxieties.  We find commonality in our emotional experiences, laugh at our own frailities, and lift each other up out of the mud.

But sometimes people choose sex as a mask for loneliness.  They find that being intimate with someone can be a temporary bandage on a wound.  Getting lost in someone else, tangled up in them and the sheets, definitely dulls the pain of loneliness.

But it can have devastating effect on the other person, especially because of the high likelihood that they don't know they're being used as a cover.  In talking with a few dear friends tonight about a friend's experience as the mask, no one would admit that they had engaged in a one-night stand for that very reason.  Still, it went unspoken between the lines.  "I was younger" and "alone" and "selfish" were frequent sentiments.

Being a social scientist...I commenced a survey.  I asked my male friends the question of why a guy would not call back after a sexual encounter on the second formal date (the fifth informal date, if you include working out together on several occasions).  I received back lots of answers, from "he's probably just a jerk" to "maybe he's seeing someone else, too" to "what if he's embarrassed about something."  And yet, they all basically admitted that, at one point or another, they had done the post-sex disappearing act and had felt badly about it.  

As I was talking it over with my bestie, she said that her guy friend had admitted to using a girl once when he was lonely.  And that's when it hit me: that loneliness can make us do some pretty stupid stuff.  Hurtful stuff, even.  Sometimes we hurt ourselves by diving face-first into a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and maybe other times we hurt others by presenting a false front on our emotional state.

A friend once told me that "only after a person has seen themselves at their lowest, most depressed, and vulnerable can they rise to the heights that they are capable of."

So guys (and girls, I suppose!): next time you feel lonely, I challenge you to spend a Friday night alone, with yourself, making friends with the person inside your head.  Grab a spoon, a pint of ice cream, and a cozy blanket to wrap up in.  You might just find that you can turn loneliness into solitude.

A Bear Named....

My daughter's seventh birthday was last week--her GOLDEN birthday, as she's quick to point out to just about everyone, including the hot guy at Lululemon.  (I guess he's not into single moms, since he declined to ask for my phone number.  His loss.)  Anyway...oh, to be that excited about birthdays again!  As part of her celebration, we went to the Build-A-Bear Workshop: a childhood fan favorite.  Pick an unstuffed teddy bear, stuff it, fluff it, clothe it, name it, and VOILA! a best friend for life is born.

It got me thinking...what if we could just design partner that easily!?

At Build-A-Bear, they do a cute little ritual: pick a small stuffed heart to put inside your bear before he's stuffed.  But before you haphazardly toss that little gem in there, you have to:

• Kiss the heart, so the bear knows he's loved
• Rub it on your forehead, so he's smart
• Touch it to your funny bone, so he has a sense of humor
• Tap it to your ear, so that he's a good listener
• Pat it on your tummy so he's never hungry 

...and a bunch of other cutesy, catchy little acts.  Man!  What if I could do that to a guy?!  I could custom-build a man who is smart, loving, and funny...I even get to make sure there's  a heart inside there!  Then I could take him home, tuck him into bed with me and we would live happily ever after.  Ta-da!

Oh, to dream....

Instead, I built myself a green, clover-themed stuffy.  I gave him a Harley-Davidson bandana and named him Lucky Fat Boy.

I guess that will have to suffice until science catches up....  :)

 

Fear & Loving in Minneapolis

Someone once accused me, not too long ago, of being afraid of commitment.  At the time, my immediate reaction was to laugh.  How ridiculous! I thought.  I'm the person who sits and analyzes relationships, writes about it, thinks about it.  

But the statement stuck with me and I found myself really considering the idea.  Am I afraid of commitment?  If so, why?  Even now, writing this post, I'm struggling with what I've already thought through on the topic.

The easy answer is that, as a divorced woman, I think that love and relationships are perhaps too difficult.  But I reject that answer nearly as quickly as I present it, because a difficult thing has never been something I've shied away from.  And of course love and relationships are difficult!  It's not easy to find the person with whom you would share everything, compromise some things, give up others. That person who makes your heart flutter, even years after the first kiss.  The man whose face you never tire of looking at, whose flaws are known and still loved, whose scars make him even more incredible.  You know--that Mr. Right. 

So I tried to examine what other reasons I had that would be stopping me from getting into a relationship.  It's certainly not the men.  My goodness, there are some great guys out there.  Beautiful, strong men--and I'm not talking physically.  I mean that these men have put their hearts and emotions out there, risked looking foolish, in order to make their intentions known to me.  And one by one, I've found a reason to duck away.  

Instead, almost without fail, I seek out the guy who is clearly not right: the player, the faker, the tough guy, the empty one, the unavailable.  And when it all goes upside down inside of a week or two, I might shed a tear or two but ultimately, there's a small part of me that's almost relieved.  

It's like eating a steady diet of empty calories and wondering why you're never satisfied.

Is it just that I'm not ready to be in a relationship, or is it that I'm truly afraid?  If I'm afraid, what exactly causes the fear?  Can the fear be conquered or is it a fatal flaw?  Am I just too picky, expecting too much?

After all, two is better than one.  I'm not such a fool that I can't see that.  

Hearts + Clovers

Every once in a while, luck happens.  You catch all the green lights, a stranger buys your coffee, you win on a pull-tab...luck is mysterious--nearly as mysterious as romance.  Cupid plays some funny games, which is why we have to keep our sense of humor when it comes to dating.

That chubby little mythical baby might have done something right this time, though.  With St. Patrick's Day approaching, and Valentines' Day just barely behind us, maybe the hearts blended with the four-leaf clovers and...

VOILA!  He appeared.

THE Him.  The Him that every woman wants to meet, hopes she will meet, prays she will meet from the time she is a little girl.  Mr. Greek God himself.  When I first saw him, I was just out with some friends, not expecting to find anyone even remotely interesting.  When he caught my eye, I felt my heart jump.  I smiled shyly, not sure what I was even doing.  When he came over to talk to me, the noisy world around us melted away...it was like going from bustling Times Square to a quiet, flower-filled meadow inside of a few seconds. 

We flirted, we exchanged names, numbers, and a small kiss...then he left for the night.

But lest you, dear reader, think that he was going to turn out to be a dud (much as I was thinking for the first twenty minutes after he left)...my phone chirped and there it was: 

"Was good 2 meet u!"

A ridiculously huge smile spread across my face.  My heart rate quickened and I closed my eyes.  My first thoughts?

This one doesn't play games!  He's honest!

Maybe everything I've been writing about with regard to the Rules of the Game only applies when it's not a match.  When it's a truly mutual match--when there's that real electricity shared between the two of you--rules and games just sort of disappear.

In the intervening days since we met, he's proved to be as wonderful as I had hoped he would be.  Random, mid-day text messages to say that he's thinking about me, a few beautiful dates filled with laughter, honest questions, and real conversation.  His blue-green eyes sparkle when he laughs after he's teased me, his hard, strong arms wrap around me when he pulls me in for a soft, sweet kiss, and I get butterflies in my tummy even when we're just sitting on the couch talking.  

Where this will lead is anyone's guess...there are complexities in our lives that may inhibit growth...but I refuse to believe that what's meant to be would cease to be just because of a few obstacles.  I am enjoying the time we're sharing and time will tell what will develop.  I believe in hope and in love...and I'm learning to have faith in God's plan for me.    

Sleep, my child....

I slept in this morning and awoke in a jolt, realizing I was about to be late for work if I didn't get moving.  As I reached for my phone on my bedside table, I saw that I had 9 text messages and 2 missed phone calls.  What on earth was happening?  Earthquake?  Major medical disaster?  Someone important die?

Dating.  That's what was happening.  

I had a message and a call from my bestie, who wanted to give me the details of her date last night.  I had two more messages from a good guy friend who wanted to chat about his recent dating disaster.  And I had a few messages from a couple of potential suitors.  

Hurriedly, I glanced through the messages, triaged them, and got ready to run out the door to work.  While driving, I talked to my BFF and listened as she regaled me with details of her night out with her latest crush.  The pluses, the minuses, the pros, the cons.  What he did, what he said, what he didn't do or say....what did it all mean?  Should she go out with him again or was it dead in the water?  

Why is all this so complex?!  And why is it so important that it's the first thing on our minds in the morning, and the last thing at the end of the night?  I think it's because when we wake up alone and fall asleep alone...in those small moments of loneliness and vulnerability, partnership can seem so big and important.  

But the best thing we can do is roll around in our loneliness.  Make friends with it.  Get to know the person that you are when you're alone.  Ultimately, we're all going to be alone at some point, and it's better if we can appreciate those times, rather than fear them.  

In her landmark book, Eat Pray Love, author Elizabeth Gilbert writes:

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” 

As a footnote:

In my last post, I talked about the Rules of the Game.  I received a lot of feedback from both men and women, some of whom are in relationships and some of whom are not.  

The good news is that it appears that everyone is confused and traditional gender roles are gone with the wind.  Almost universally, people told me that they preferred it when they were asked out, regardless of gender.  So maybe dating is just a numbers game: if you take so many pitches, you're bound to get on base sooner or later....

I guess I'd rather be hitting .350 than .150 though!  Practice makes perfect, right?