A Bear Named....

My daughter's seventh birthday was last week--her GOLDEN birthday, as she's quick to point out to just about everyone, including the hot guy at Lululemon.  (I guess he's not into single moms, since he declined to ask for my phone number.  His loss.)  Anyway...oh, to be that excited about birthdays again!  As part of her celebration, we went to the Build-A-Bear Workshop: a childhood fan favorite.  Pick an unstuffed teddy bear, stuff it, fluff it, clothe it, name it, and VOILA! a best friend for life is born.

It got me thinking...what if we could just design partner that easily!?

At Build-A-Bear, they do a cute little ritual: pick a small stuffed heart to put inside your bear before he's stuffed.  But before you haphazardly toss that little gem in there, you have to:

• Kiss the heart, so the bear knows he's loved
• Rub it on your forehead, so he's smart
• Touch it to your funny bone, so he has a sense of humor
• Tap it to your ear, so that he's a good listener
• Pat it on your tummy so he's never hungry 

...and a bunch of other cutesy, catchy little acts.  Man!  What if I could do that to a guy?!  I could custom-build a man who is smart, loving, and funny...I even get to make sure there's  a heart inside there!  Then I could take him home, tuck him into bed with me and we would live happily ever after.  Ta-da!

Oh, to dream....

Instead, I built myself a green, clover-themed stuffy.  I gave him a Harley-Davidson bandana and named him Lucky Fat Boy.

I guess that will have to suffice until science catches up....  :)

 

Fear & Loving in Minneapolis

Someone once accused me, not too long ago, of being afraid of commitment.  At the time, my immediate reaction was to laugh.  How ridiculous! I thought.  I'm the person who sits and analyzes relationships, writes about it, thinks about it.  

But the statement stuck with me and I found myself really considering the idea.  Am I afraid of commitment?  If so, why?  Even now, writing this post, I'm struggling with what I've already thought through on the topic.

The easy answer is that, as a divorced woman, I think that love and relationships are perhaps too difficult.  But I reject that answer nearly as quickly as I present it, because a difficult thing has never been something I've shied away from.  And of course love and relationships are difficult!  It's not easy to find the person with whom you would share everything, compromise some things, give up others. That person who makes your heart flutter, even years after the first kiss.  The man whose face you never tire of looking at, whose flaws are known and still loved, whose scars make him even more incredible.  You know--that Mr. Right. 

So I tried to examine what other reasons I had that would be stopping me from getting into a relationship.  It's certainly not the men.  My goodness, there are some great guys out there.  Beautiful, strong men--and I'm not talking physically.  I mean that these men have put their hearts and emotions out there, risked looking foolish, in order to make their intentions known to me.  And one by one, I've found a reason to duck away.  

Instead, almost without fail, I seek out the guy who is clearly not right: the player, the faker, the tough guy, the empty one, the unavailable.  And when it all goes upside down inside of a week or two, I might shed a tear or two but ultimately, there's a small part of me that's almost relieved.  

It's like eating a steady diet of empty calories and wondering why you're never satisfied.

Is it just that I'm not ready to be in a relationship, or is it that I'm truly afraid?  If I'm afraid, what exactly causes the fear?  Can the fear be conquered or is it a fatal flaw?  Am I just too picky, expecting too much?

After all, two is better than one.  I'm not such a fool that I can't see that.  

Hearts + Clovers

Every once in a while, luck happens.  You catch all the green lights, a stranger buys your coffee, you win on a pull-tab...luck is mysterious--nearly as mysterious as romance.  Cupid plays some funny games, which is why we have to keep our sense of humor when it comes to dating.

That chubby little mythical baby might have done something right this time, though.  With St. Patrick's Day approaching, and Valentines' Day just barely behind us, maybe the hearts blended with the four-leaf clovers and...

VOILA!  He appeared.

THE Him.  The Him that every woman wants to meet, hopes she will meet, prays she will meet from the time she is a little girl.  Mr. Greek God himself.  When I first saw him, I was just out with some friends, not expecting to find anyone even remotely interesting.  When he caught my eye, I felt my heart jump.  I smiled shyly, not sure what I was even doing.  When he came over to talk to me, the noisy world around us melted away...it was like going from bustling Times Square to a quiet, flower-filled meadow inside of a few seconds. 

We flirted, we exchanged names, numbers, and a small kiss...then he left for the night.

But lest you, dear reader, think that he was going to turn out to be a dud (much as I was thinking for the first twenty minutes after he left)...my phone chirped and there it was: 

"Was good 2 meet u!"

A ridiculously huge smile spread across my face.  My heart rate quickened and I closed my eyes.  My first thoughts?

This one doesn't play games!  He's honest!

Maybe everything I've been writing about with regard to the Rules of the Game only applies when it's not a match.  When it's a truly mutual match--when there's that real electricity shared between the two of you--rules and games just sort of disappear.

In the intervening days since we met, he's proved to be as wonderful as I had hoped he would be.  Random, mid-day text messages to say that he's thinking about me, a few beautiful dates filled with laughter, honest questions, and real conversation.  His blue-green eyes sparkle when he laughs after he's teased me, his hard, strong arms wrap around me when he pulls me in for a soft, sweet kiss, and I get butterflies in my tummy even when we're just sitting on the couch talking.  

Where this will lead is anyone's guess...there are complexities in our lives that may inhibit growth...but I refuse to believe that what's meant to be would cease to be just because of a few obstacles.  I am enjoying the time we're sharing and time will tell what will develop.  I believe in hope and in love...and I'm learning to have faith in God's plan for me.    

Sleep, my child....

I slept in this morning and awoke in a jolt, realizing I was about to be late for work if I didn't get moving.  As I reached for my phone on my bedside table, I saw that I had 9 text messages and 2 missed phone calls.  What on earth was happening?  Earthquake?  Major medical disaster?  Someone important die?

Dating.  That's what was happening.  

I had a message and a call from my bestie, who wanted to give me the details of her date last night.  I had two more messages from a good guy friend who wanted to chat about his recent dating disaster.  And I had a few messages from a couple of potential suitors.  

Hurriedly, I glanced through the messages, triaged them, and got ready to run out the door to work.  While driving, I talked to my BFF and listened as she regaled me with details of her night out with her latest crush.  The pluses, the minuses, the pros, the cons.  What he did, what he said, what he didn't do or say....what did it all mean?  Should she go out with him again or was it dead in the water?  

Why is all this so complex?!  And why is it so important that it's the first thing on our minds in the morning, and the last thing at the end of the night?  I think it's because when we wake up alone and fall asleep alone...in those small moments of loneliness and vulnerability, partnership can seem so big and important.  

But the best thing we can do is roll around in our loneliness.  Make friends with it.  Get to know the person that you are when you're alone.  Ultimately, we're all going to be alone at some point, and it's better if we can appreciate those times, rather than fear them.  

In her landmark book, Eat Pray Love, author Elizabeth Gilbert writes:

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” 

As a footnote:

In my last post, I talked about the Rules of the Game.  I received a lot of feedback from both men and women, some of whom are in relationships and some of whom are not.  

The good news is that it appears that everyone is confused and traditional gender roles are gone with the wind.  Almost universally, people told me that they preferred it when they were asked out, regardless of gender.  So maybe dating is just a numbers game: if you take so many pitches, you're bound to get on base sooner or later....

I guess I'd rather be hitting .350 than .150 though!  Practice makes perfect, right?

The Rules of the Game

My mama always taught me that honesty is the best policy.  Just be honest with yourself and others, and life will flow from there.  Karma can't bite you when you're simply being truthful, she told me.  There's only one small caveat:

Dating.  

Evidently, in dating, honesty is for desperate people.  It's for girls who either aren't smart enough to play the game right or else fast girls who disregard the rules.  

"But Mom," I implored, "why can't I just tell him that I like him?"
"Because you can't," she replied easily, with a tone that implied I should know better than to ask such silly questions.  "It's the way the game is played.  You have to follow The Rules."

Fifteen years later--all right, eighteen years (zip it)--I'm still trying to figure it all out.  Okay, I've been married, so I must've done something right at least once...but truth be told, I'm just plain confused.  What are The Rules?  How do I know if I'm doing this whole messy thing right??

So now.....hypothetically....just go with me here....let's just say that you're out with girl friends on a Saturday night and you meet an amazing guy.  He's tall, dark, handsome, fit, and--best of all--he's SMART.  He's perfect! you gleefully think to yourself.  You make plans for a date the next week, which goes off without a hitch.  Drinks, appetizer, great conversation, good body language--you're in heaven.  He walks you back to your car, and leans in for that perfect goodnight kiss.  Which, of course, turns into at least ten goodnight kisses.  It's all incredible and you're floating away........

Until The Moment.

"Do you want to go back to my place?" he whispers in between hot kisses, his hands in your hair and your heart all a-flutter.

What do you do?!  If you say yes, does that make you fast, slutty, or otherwise undesirable?  If you say no, does that make you prudish, boring, or otherwise similarly undesirable?  If you go with your gut, does that mean you've disregarded some Rule?  Are The Rules the same today as they were when my mom was dating?  What if you make the wrong decision and he never calls again?  I can hear my mother's voice in my head: Remember The Rules, honey.  Wait, what?!  For a second, you wonder if this incredible man can hear her, too.  

So much confusion in a nanosecond.

A galactic love ... a simple garden ...

Once upon a time, you ruled my universe.  You were my sun, my stars, my galaxy.  I got lost in the heat, the passion, the craziness of it all.  I was an ever-expanding star, glowing in the warmth of what I thought was love.

When you left, I felt like a supernova that had collapsed into a black hole: devoid of emotion, of feeling, of life.  Slowly, bit by bit, I have been reawakening, finding a new orbital path and a reason to shine again.

The best gift you gave me was the gift of freedom.  Freedom to find out who I am, who I want to be, and what I have to do to get there.  It's going to take time, to be sure, but I'm learning to love the journey.  And since I'm not lost in space anymore, I've found focus around something much smaller and more meaningful.

As it turns out, the best things in life require patience and love.  I'm sure many of you knew that already, but we all find our own truths in our own time, right?!  But think about it: we are patient with our children, with our gardens, with our friends and loved ones.  Why should it be any different with yourself?  If you are really going to fully develop to your true potential, it will take time and effort, and it's a labor of love. 

Creating yourself is like planting a perennial garden.  Each year, you add new plants, some that thrive in shade, some that grow best in sun.  Some plants die, and some plants just need a little TLC to make it through a drought. This year, I am planting seeds of patience and self-love, while I continue to nurse along my intellectual side and prune back the sarcasm.  Giggling with my kids has become the sunshine that all the plants need, while my running is the wind that gently rustles the dead leaves from the plants, allowing room for new growth.

We can't rush headlong into half-cooked plans, relationships, or ventures.  To do so is to put the garden at risk, as if to introduce a new plant without knowing its eventual height or growing space.  Sometimes that plant has to be ripped out, leaving a hole in the soil...but it's a hole that will be filled with the right plant for the garden--one that will complement the overall beauty without detracting from any of the individual other plants.  Synergy and balance must be sought in order to achieve peace in our gardens: children, a significant other, family, friends, and hobbies. 

Like those sunflower fields we saw in South Dakota last summer on our motorcycle trip, with their sunny seed-filled faces turned toward the sun, I am turning myself toward the warmth I need to grow.

I am not meant to stand on the sun or float among the stars; I am but just a girl. Instead, I will stand under the sun and grow.

In my mind, I am....

First of all, I apologize to my dear readers.  It's been awhile.  I missed you, but I was sorting through some stuff and honestly, you wouldn't have been interested.  Or maybe I've misjudged you and you would have been terribly interested, but the moment has passed us by now...and there is only one way forward now...

....and it's with a funny story.  Who doesn't love a good funny dating story?!

So my gal pal went out with a guy tonight that she met via an online dating site.  This was the second date--the first "date" was just a meet/greet over a cocktail.  This was a bigger deal: start with dinner, open-ended, who-knows-where-the-night-will-take-us scenario.  Butterflies in the tummy, carefully planned out outfit...the whole nine yards.

[You should know that my gal pal is no dummy: she always Googles her dates before she meets them, in case their axe murderers, rapists, or...(gasp)...without an online presence, which is a red flag in and of itself these days.]

So, as Mr Fantastic is late for this dinner date, she finds herself with a few spare moments to check around the internet for any signs of freakishness.  And it's not what she finds that gives her pause, it's what she doesnt:

No divorce filing.  But wait, she thinks, he told me he was divorced...

Mr. Fantastic finally shows up and after a bit of small talk, she cuts right to it:

Her: What state were you divorced in?
Him: Minnesota.
Her: Really?  'Cause there's no court record of it anywhere.  Not even an initial filing.
Him: Well...umm....
Her: Are you divorced or not?
Him: Well, in my mind, I am.

......Annnnnnd....SCENE.  She paid the bill (since there's no sense in owing a guy dinner) and was out the door.

Integrity?  Naw. 
Honor?  Nope. 
Fully-engulfed, flaming pants on a liar?  You betcha!