Girlfriends, boyfriends, and what lies between them

Don't you just love those first few months of a relationship when everything is all sparkly and shiny?  You spend your days walking on air and the whole world seems a little softer around the edges.  You crave time with that special person and turn to texting, talking, Facebooking, and tweeting to fill the gaps between dates.  You crow to anyone that will listen about how great (s)he is: how perfect, how charming, how funny! (giggle!)

But pretty soon, your friends grow tired of hearing about your budding romance.  They want to talk about other things - after all, the world has continued to spin on its axis in spite of your blissful unawareness.  If you don't tune in and miss their cues, you risk alienating your allies...the very friends you just may need if (when!) you fall from this man-made heaven.

As I was researching material for this post, I searched the internet for the phrase "balance boyfriend and friends."  Google presented me with the usual ga-jillion hits, only the first ten of which I perused.  Seventeen magazine summed it up perfectly: "When you're going out with a guy, it can be hard to find time for both your BF and your BFFs."  In teen-speak, that seemed succinct, if not also slightly vapid and vaguely juvenile for this audience.

I tried again, searching "balance friends and relationship" - this turned up a far more diverse offering of online self-help.  Evidently this problem is not unique to any particular demographic:

• The Root, a leading African-American publication, headlined their piece:

Ask Demetria: If time spent with a new boo is alienating your homies, try to find a happy medium.

• Ask Men, an online men's magazine, proffered this tidbit on its page:

Don't Let Your Girlfriend

Sabotage Your Friendships

• Psychology Today took a somewhat sexist turn on things:

Once a dating relationship grows and deepens in intimacy, a man is faced with the temptation to isolate from his friends and family and devote all his time and energy to his committed lover. As many women already know, if you want to keep your life in balance, you must must keep same sex friendships a priority. 

Clearly, this topic touches a nerve with us.  And it does with me, too, on a personal level.  A friend of mine has recently lost herself in her boyfriend, surfacing only when he is otherwise engaged at work or with family.  Her behavior is incredibly hurtful--simultaneously both demoralizing and angering in a "why am I not enough?"-kind of way.

When I took a step back from my emotions, I came to two important realizations, though.  The first is that she is very vulnerable in this relationship with her boyfriend, for reasons I will not detail here.  As a way to counteract that, she is spending all available time with him to try to feel connected and establish that crucial bond.  It is not my place to pass judgment on that.  The second point is that I've done it, too...and I am in no place to get upset at anyone else.  I remember that after I was newly married, I lost touch with a great many friends because I wanted to spend all my time with my husband.  Eventually, we became estranged from others and were quite lonely both as individuals and as a couple.  It was a serious lesson to me not to lose sight of that balance.  It's not easy, but it's completely necessary to the health of yourself and your relationship.

WebMD posted a very interesting piece on why friends are actually good for our health.  Forming solid connections through friendships with people has been strongly correlated with good health and longevity.  Dr. Tasha R. Howe, a psychology professor at Humboldt State University in California, says that "people with social support have fewer cardiovascular problems and immune problems, and lower levels of cortisol -- a stress hormone."  The logic is based in evolution: we are social animals, having formed groups out of sheer survival need.  When we have friends, our bodies are less stressed out because they are not fighting natural instinct.  Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, of Brigham Young University, says the evidence is clear: "One thing research shows is that as one's social network gets smaller, one's risk for mortality increases." 

Having a support network of friends is clearly beneficial. That's why it is so important for us to make new friends and keep the old--including adding new boy/girlfriends, while maintaining our previous close friendships. 

To open the door or not...that is the question....

Chivalry.  Most of us commonly think of it as those small courtesies that men extend toward women during courtship: opening doors, bringing flowers, or pulling out a chair for her at the table.  In other words--that thing that most men don't do anymore.  I've been thinking a lot lately about why that might be.  Is chivalry really dead?  Did feminism kill it?

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of a truly fantastic first date.  As we made plans for our night out, I was truly thrilled at his offer to pick me up.  (For those of you who haven't been on the dating scene in the last five to ten years, you have no idea what a rarity this is.)  He arrived at my door clean and handsome in a pressed shirt and a nervous, boyish smile on his face.  I will never forget that moment, because it was the moment that my own nerves melted away and my heart started skipping beats.  As we left for dinner, I couldn't help but notice that as he gallantly opened the passenger door, making sure I was safely tucked in before he closed it behind me, his car was sparkling clean.  It's the details, I thought.

Even if the rest of the date had gone to hell after this (which, by the way, it didn't!), the small courtesies extended inside of the first ten minutes of our date showed me a great deal of respect.  Clearly, he had taken some time to prepare and to make sure that I knew he appreciated me and our time together.

So how does my sense of feminist equity interplay with my desire for a chivalrous man?  Can the two co-exist?  In a word, yes.  But that's a very loaded-up word.

Chivalry is really nothing more than polite behavior toward women.  I believe it's a time-honored tradition of recognizing the other and behaving with deference and decorum.  Just like we hold the door open behind us for total strangers out of a sense of good manners, a man opening the car door for me tells me that he is aware of me and wants to be respectful.  That doesn't mean that a man thinks of me as less.  And maybe it even means that he thinks more of me.

While it's true that men and women should be equal in many ways, this does not mean that they are the same or should be treated the same in all situations.  For instance, my bestie prefers to talk on the phone rather than text.  As her friend, I adapt to that and do my best to meet her preference because I value her needs and wants, even though I prefer to text message.  That doesn't make us unequal - it just makes us different.  The same is true with regard to chivalry: if I prefer that a man open my car door as a sign of respect, that doesn't automatically make our relationship unequal.

Feminism has impacted many parts of American society.  Since the 1970's, when women increasingly became employed outside the home, couples have had to work through how to divide household labor (see this NY Times article and this Wall Street Journal piece).  The 1990's saw the inclusion of paternity leave to fathers who want to stay home with newborns under the federal Family & Medical Leave Act (FMLA).  Today, we continue to debate how to meet the needs of our families when both parents work - and not just in jobs, but in careers where we are invested and fulfilled.  In the past few years, women are making bold statements about the state of feminism in America--important businesswomen like Facebook's chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, and Yahoo's CEO, Marissa Mayer.  These conversations are important to all of us - men and women alike.

But while feminism has its role in our public policy debates, it may or may not have a role in our intimate relationships.  It's up to each of us to decide.  The most wonderful thing about people is that we are all unique beings, with our own set of wants, needs, and desires.  Where I want a man who behaves with chivalry, another woman may not.  To be sure, that makes for a confusing dating scene, but it's really just another part of the game of finding the person that you want to be with.  So take a deep breath and enjoy the ride!  This is life, and it's beautifully messy.

In his words...

Normally, I am all about creating my own art.  My own words.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts on this stuff which you guys are courageous enough to read and share and argue back with.  I love that.  And thank you.

Today, however, I stumbled across this gem on the Internet, and knew immediately that what he said was better than anything I had to say.  The post below is from David Mikus, posted in a public note on Facebook, and so I am forwarding it on.  Don't get caught up in his use of pronouns - I think these sage words apply across the board, to women and men, in any and all kinds of relationships.

Most of all, I love #7 on this list, and this quote specifically:

The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.  Lots of wisdom in here.

Peace and love,
leah

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Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love. 

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not. 

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid. 

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes. 

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win. 

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. 

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. 

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from 
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.