A League of Their Own

My darling gal pal came over for dinner last night and some chick chat time.  It seems she's started seeing someone........or, more specifically, she's started dating her ex-boyfriend again.  After the initial <<gasp!>>...I started thinking about ex-boyfriends.  Why is it that some of them disappear into the abyss of Ex-BoyfriendLand and others linger in our lives?  And for those that linger, are we supposed to/allowed to go back?  Un-ex-boyfriend them?  Call them up from AAA, to use a baseball analogy?

If we are going to call them up from the farm team...what are the criteria? Sometimes, there are just too many injuries on the roster, there's a gap in the lineup or weak first baseman.  Once in awhile, you just need a Prince Fielder-type to come in and knock out a few home runs, give the team a morale boost....so to speak. 

Other times, though, we sent them down in order to teach a lesson....so calling them back up tells them that they're out of the proverbial doghouse with the team manager.  That, darling reader, is the most dangerous form of recall because we never really know if he's ready to take a solid place on the team or if he's just going to cause more fielding errors.  Is he ready for the big leagues?  

We can never really know for sure until we've given him a chance to show us what he's got.  So we take a risk, we put our hearts in the game because that's what life is about: showing up and trying.  The greatest risks can bear the greatest rewards.  But with ex-boyfriends, we keep our eyes open, watching, assessing, using the first few dates as a tryout while reserving judgment and guarding ourselves from injury.

But playing like that is dangerous--using too much caution and trying to avoid getting hurt can sometimes lead to a worse outcome.  We're so caught up in trying not to get hit with a pitch that we forget to swing for the fences.  It's a balancing act, to be sure.

Hopefully, in the case of my gal pal, Mr Wonderful has grown and improved his game while he was away....otherwise, he'll have to be left stranded at first base--literally and figuratively.

On Valentine's Day Eve...

'Tis the season of love: of hearts and sugary treats and flowers and naked winged babies named Cupid.  And like so many other holidays (Christmas, Halloween, etc), it's been worked over by the marketing magicians at Hallmark, Target, Wal-Mart, and other big-box retailers.  The aisles are lined with teddy bears, cheap chocolate, and scraggly flowers.  Ahhh...nothing says romance more than a stuffed animal that was mass produced in China by small children! 

But enough of my politics regarding overseas sweatshops.  On to more important things, like romance.

In asking my male friends what they are doing for their gals for this glorious "holiday"...I got a theme or variation of this line:

"Valentine's Day is such crap.  I'd rather do something for her some other day of the year that shows her how much I really love her, rather than spend too much on flowers just because it's Valentine's Day."

Awwww!  Isn't that sweet!?  It's so sweet that I just threw up a little in my mouth.  I keep on wanting to ask, "So, when was the last time you did that, then?" but I don't want to come off as cynical.  Or at least more cynical than I already seem.

The thing is, I'm really not a cynic!  I believe in love and fairytales and happily-ever-afters.  What Cinderella forgot to really teach us is that those happy endings take WORK.  The sun doesn't shine every single day in this magical land of roses and hearts--sometimes, it rains in the form of arguments, disagreements, and tears.  And when you get to kiss and make up....well, that's when the non-Disney-friendly fun starts!  (wink!)

In the midst of all of this--the good times and the bad, the ups and the downs, the fat days, the sick days, the fairytale dates and walks in the park under the moonlight--we get to know our partners very well.  And this, my friends, is where the real romance lies.

I can almost guarantee she doesn't want a teddy (either the bear or the lingerie).  What she wants is something *meaningful*--a memory, a shared moment, a look that conveys so much.  It can be so easy--a set of his/hers coffee mugs with a note about how much you want to wake up on Sunday and have coffee in bed while reading the paper.  Or take her for a drive back to where you two met or where you proposed and have a simple lunch and talk about that special day.  Girls want to feel connected to their partners--to know that what we value inside our hearts and the memories we have don't simply exist in the mental scrapbook we keep.  We want something that says, "I get you.  I understand you.  I know your heart."

That, dear reader, is love.

Dating Darwinism

A potential suitor once told me that I should "kick those other guys to the curb" and go out with him.  I responded by telling him that those guys were kicking themselves to the curb...and it made me think: sometimes, problems just take care of themselves.  Kind of like Darwinism.


Dating Darwinism can take all forms: a bad pickup line in a bar, repeated instances of foot-in-mouth disease, poor manners, or a failure to embrace common forms of hygiene.

My most recent example: wearing a wedding ring and flirting with girls (me) in front of the wife.  "Hey, can I get a picture with you and your friend here?  You girls are just so cute!  Saw you from across the bar!"  Uhhh...what??

 Now, before you go off on me for being too tough on guys, I want it noted for the record that I often give too many guys too many chances to redeem themselves.  Remember Mr. Chicago?  That whole thing evolved over three weeks!  He just never quite got it together....hence, dating Darwinism.

A girl friend of mine had a dating Darwinism moment of her own.  The fella took her to a movie for their date.  He seemed nice enough and she was having a good time.  The movie, a comedy, became even more hilarious when the date began loudly laughing at non-funny moments in the movie.  He would also point at the screen and elbow her, as if to say, "See!?  That sh*t is funny!" which it was not, as evidenced by the fact that he was the only one laughing.  Oh--and his laugh??  Think of a donkey's bray...combined with the snuffling and snorting of a pig.  Not exactly subtle...or attractive for that matter.  Bless him...he makes us laugh every time we remember him!

So what are your dating Darwinism moments?  Do you laugh them off or do they catch you shaking your head in wonderment?  And guys...don't think I'm picking on you...girls can be their own worst enemy too!

Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Idiots

It should go without saying that you don't kiss & tell.  Especially at our age, dear reader.  (This is, of course, assuming that you're within my demographic: 30-something, bi-ped,  and with the ability to appropriately wield a razor as so to appear human.)

Evidently, some folks need to be reminded of that lesson.  Take, for example, my ex-boyfriend, "Todd."  And my friend, "Joe," who has been pursuing a date with me.  Todd and I broke up back in early January after an arduous year+ of on-again, off-again dating.  In the course of that relationship, I told him personal things--exposed my inner self, if you will....the sort of details that you tell your partner, expecting that even if the relationship ends, these things will just always remain between the two of you.  

Either that rule changed and I'm just old-school, or Todd has some serious learning to do about how you treat ex-girlfriends.

Yesterday, Todd took it upon himself to call up Joe and "have a beer."  Now, I know I'm a girl, but I also know that "having a beer" is a 21st century male bonding ritual akin to a 19th century quilting bee for ladies.  Gossip and all.

Joe agreed to meet for a beer and so they found themselves at a local establishment, talking boy talk, when Todd decides to bring up my name and then divulge those aforementioned secrets that should have been buried along with our now-deceased relationship.

• "Did you know she has an eating disorder because she was chubby in high school?"
• "Did you know that she's not friends with that one girl because they fought over a guy?"
• "Did you know she slept with so-and-so?"
• "Did you know she's a pod person?"  (okay, I made this one up)

..and so on.  To his credit (?!), Joe didn't encourage this locker room talk, but he didn't stop it either or remind Todd that talking about a girl that the other party has dated is a bad idea for everyone.  Nor was Joe interested in fact-checking the above rumors with me; rather, he was just plum-proud of himself for not saying anything nasty about me in agreement with Todd.  He just couldn't understand why I was so upset ("tweaked out" was the phrase he applied)....

Gentlemen, the rule is this: Life is not a locker room.  You do not get to go around farting, scratching, belching, or relaying stories of your conquests.

We are, after all, 30-something.