It's not you, it's me. No, really.

Dearest readers, I'm sorry.  It's been two years since I wrote and while that's probably okay by you, it's not okay by me.  Writing is cathartic for me, so I've probably been a little bit tightly wound in these intervening years between posts.  Apologies for anyone who had to deal with that...you probably know who you are.  *hugs*

So....why today, you ask me.  Great question and I'm glad you brought it up.  Four years ago today, one of the best professors I've ever had passed away suddenly from a heart attack.  The week before his passing, I had sat in his office, utterly adrift in my life, and he gave me a piece of advice that I will never forget: "Write.  Write every day.  Make time for seeing your own thoughts on paper."

(Computer screen, in this case.  Call it a generational difference.)

His words roll around in my head and surface periodically like a message in a bottle on the Pacific Ocean.  Today, it washed ashore and I read the note...and acted on it.

Also, this: as a single gal for the last five months, I've had some time. And some experiences. And some thoughts. Let's move on to that, shall we? Come along now...no stragglers! Let's dive in to the messy underworld, shall we....

As much as I'd like to say it's the guys out there (and in some cases, it sure is!), the problem is actually probably more on my end.  Okay, definitely on my end.  The thing is: I just don't want to get tangled up in a relationship.  This is very different from not wanting to settle down - it's not that I want to party or hook up or any of that. Realistically, I'm too old for that anyway.  But the tangled up thing relates more to wanting to maintain my personal autonomy.  My space.  My time.  My kids.  My desire to spend a Friday night reading the New York Times on my phone and not have someone telling me to put my phone down.  My want to wake up alone and unilaterally decide what kind of day I will have.  My need to decide if going to the gym at 9:30 pm is a good decision or if sleep is better...but knowing that, either way, no one else gets to weigh in on that decision for whatever reason.

It all sounds superfluous and maybe, in a way, it is.  But it's also about allowing myself the space to figure out who I am, what I am, where I am going.  Having been in a very serious relationship for the last two years, I kind of lost myself: I morphed into this person who was half him, half me.  Like Brangelina, only it was my life, not the cover of People magazine.  I don't want my identity merged with someone else's.  I don't want to check and say, "Hey hon...I'm going to head to the gym. Yes, I know it's late. No, it's not weird.  No, there's no one else. No, I'm not mad at you."  Woof.  Ugh.  Gross. No thank you.

This isn't to dog on anyone who is in a wonderful relationship where they have found a way to coexist in a manner that leaves both parties happy. Plenty of people do it and couplehood can be a great thing.  I admire people who have found the person with whom they can achieve that balance, especially with the crazy life add-ons of kids, sports, activities, etc. But for me, in my life and my experience so far, I haven't been able to find yin/yang relationship.

Which brings me to this: I can be single and be okay. That's not a self-affirming statement I tell myself each day; don't misread the emphasis. The statement is outward-facing toward others who don't seem to think that I'm okay on my own, or that my life is missing something. It's not.  I don't need a man/guy/boy/person in order to achieve my goals, make my home better, make my life better, or otherwise enhance what I have.  I have what I need and I'm pretty good on my own. Maybe the right relationship would enhance my life, but that falls into the "want" category...and I'm not sure I can afford that want right now. I love being focused, for once, on my kids and myself. Affording that want would require a sacrifice of spending right now as far as where and how I spend my time.

What us single people do need, however, is for coupled-up people to drop their stereotypes.   No, you can't "catch" divorce by hanging out with us singles.  My decision to divorce isn't going to worm its way into your marriage and make it die.  I just want to be friends with my neighbors and my kids' friends' parents who, it seems out here in my suburban neighborhood, are all married. Just because I don't have a "plus-one" doesn't mean I wouldn't love to hang out with you--both of you!--and have dinner, get a drink, or otherwise socialize.  Our kids are friends...so why aren't we?

In the end, the takeaway here is this: relationships are exceptionally complicated - and that goes for the single- vs married-friend dynamic as well.  Everyone has to find what fits for them at that point in their life--it's a calculus of time and energy budgeting versus return on investment. Just make sure you're honest and nonprejudicial.